Living Visible - Learning to Live After Abuse and Trauma

Abuse Cycle is Not Your Fault

2012-02-02T21:25:00.000-08:00

It is Not Your Fault

"Am I lovable? Am I huggable?" is the heart cry of every child.

I gave a boy twice my size a hug. He was hanging out with youth before the church service started. He was in the crowded room but not really connected to anyone. I had cried for him the previous day, when I heard he'd being taken to juvenile court. He was going before a judge because he lost control and beat his sister.

Why would I cry for a big kid who had just beat up his sister? He has fetal alcohol syndrome. When his mom was pregnant and he was in her womb, she drank and drugged.

This teen did not put one glass of liquor to his lips, but he will always be marked by effects of his mom drinking while pregnant.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is not a birth defect, but it creates irreversible damage to the baby. The symptoms vary but include: heart defects, joint deformities, sleep problems, learning disabilities, poor impulse control, extreme nervousness, high adrenaline strength, and sudden rage.

Many times these babies are neglected, abused and placed into foster care. While most who foster or adopt are loving adults, often they will struggle tremendously trying to help the child adjust. Many people who are born with illnesses or disease that cause abnormal or even destructive emotional behavior frequently live a painful life of never feeling like they can fit in.

Deep internal desires to control their thoughts or behaviors are sporadic causing guilt, anger and thoughts of suicide. Every child wants to be loved and to love others. When a person realizes that they hurt the people closest to them, the very people in life trying to help them, it is emotionally crushing. No easy solutions are available.

Several types of mental illness are genetic Others are a result of hurtful behavior of the caretaker or traumatic life experiences. Schizophrenia, Bi-polar, and extreme depressive disorders are a few mental illnesses that do not always develop from being abused. Quite often disorders can be a combination of abuse and genetic predisposition causing a cycle of irrational behaviors and thoughts.

Diagnosis by a psychiatric doctor is essential to ensure the patient gets proper medical attention to lessen or eliminate symptoms that cannot be controlled therapy alone. Many times a person cannot cope with the rigors of therapy if they do not have stabilizing medication.

Being willing to taking medication can be a real hurdle to overcome, especially for Christians who mistakenly believe taking psychiatric medication is equated to spiritual weakness or even sin.

A person suffering from mental illness needs to embrace the fact that their illness is not their own fault. I am not saying they are not responsible for their action or they can't take necessary steps toward recovery. Mental illness is a horrible, debilitating condition that cannot be controlled simply by trying harder or praying more. No one would tell a person with cancer, diabetes, or thyroid disease to have more faith in God and to not get medical treatment, nor would they blame them for getting sick.

While a person does not choose to be mentally ill, they can choose to be responsible for their mental illness and to do everything they possibly can to be stable for themselves and their family. They must surrender the situation to God and listen for His direction for healing. Obedience to God is the key to being free from guilt. When you surrender to God, you give Him the ultimate responsibility for the outcome.

By the grace of God, I walked 20 years through the healing process of being mentally ill. It took me over thirty years to accept the fact that my abusive childhood caused me to have a mental illness. While my condition was not my fault, being obedient to God was my responsibility.

I had to learn that every person is unique. No one treatment plan or medication is perfect for every person. While God requires some people to slowly process specific parts of their past to gain the most glory and treasures through deep spiritual learning, He can choose to heal another by breaking through controlling disabilities in quick spiritual deliverance.

Life will never be fair.

None of us were promised a rose garden of wealth, health and personal bliss. What each of us were promised by God is that He will never leave us nor forsake us and He will heal us when we run to Him. In running to Him we must be willing to grow spiritually, allowing Him to take what was meant for evil in our life into the very thing that will conform us to the image of Christ Jesus. This is how Romans 8:28 is fulfilled,

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose."

God proclaims in Scripture,

"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9 NASB).

We may not understand why God allowed something to happen to us, nor why we are having to do a particular something to be healed. It is OK to not understand everything. What is important is that we trust God and know that He understands everything perfectly and is in totally in control.

Can Death Of Abuser Be Healing?

2012-01-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

Can Death Bring Healing?

Her face tells it all. Thinking about her abuser causes passionate anger to boil within. Her body tenses when "good people" tell her she needs to forgive. She will often deny the raw feelings in her heart, knowing it is not socially acceptable to wish someone is dead. Denial is one coping method she uses to help her function "normal" but it will also keep her imprisoned in her wounded heart.

"I wish he was dead. I hate him," echoes through her mind as guilt suppresses her thoughts. While it is not rare for a victim to wish her abuser harm or death, it is not always a first, or even a conscious thought. It can hide deep within. A child who has been abused by a parent or close relative has a difficult time dealing with a fact that someone who should have protected them has caused them so much pain. She feels unsafe, betrayed, and unlovable.

When a victim is safely away from her abuser, she can start dealing with the horrible events in her life. Forgiveness will not fully emerge until the brutal honesty and the consequences of the pain and abuse is allowed to surface. It is common during this process to uncover feelings of hatred toward the abuser. She may feel she can only be safe in the world if her abuser is dead, thereby making certain she will no longer be hurt.

On an emotional level, it may seem she can only release the suffering when she knows it is over. Therefore, if the abuser dies, the final words in a traumatic chapter can be written, THE END! Even as the book slams shut on this painful story, she may experience guilt for wishing death on someone.

Do you recall the scene in The Wizard of OZ when all the village people celebrated that the wicked witch was dead? This is the sense of joy or relief a victim of abuse can feel when their abuser dies. No more hurt, no more tragedy, no more fear that they will try to come back into your life. Death is final. Can you relate to this scene?

Unfortunately the death of the abuser does not stop the consequences of their sinful actions. The trauma has already taken place, and it will not just go away if it is ignored or buried deep inside. Like a infected wound, the tissue will not heal until the source of the infection is addressed. Grief will be very different for a victim of abuse, but a very important part of healing the source of pain.

My abusers are still alive. They even pretend the abuse never happen or was very insignificant, if anything at all. I don't know first hand how my siblings and I will react until the death of our abuser happens. I can guess that some will get drunk. We will probably have a wide range of emotions such as sorrow, delight, revenge, disappointment, relief, and regret.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone would want to slap the corpse to punish an abuser who never confessed, admitted, or seemingly paid for all the violence. A victims desired response to an abusive person may not sound like the thoughts of a good Christian. While we must all learn to take every thought captive to Christ Jesus, we must also understand no one can walk the path of any other soul on this earth, even siblings, and therefore remember we are not anybody's god.

We must all resist the desire judge a person who has suffered abuse. God is the Lawgiver and the Judge. He is the only One that saw it all. He is the only One with permission to personally guide the wounded soul through healing. What may be shocking to one person, may be the exact thing another must do to break free of the demonic web of lies. The only perfect way to handle any situation is to surrender it to God. We are obedient to Him, not others, so we need allow ourselves to be free enough to be gut-wrenchingly honest.

Being honest about how you feel is not always a pretty picture. An abused person has many horrible, twisted emotions and thoughts that need to be released. While one person may be able to proceed through healing in the quiet of their heart, another may need to verbally or physically rage in a way that doesn't bring harm to herself or others. We must give each person the respect and space to heal, and to deal with the death of their abuser.

Shame often follows any thought or action that is not acceptable. "I shouldn't say that. I shouldn't do that. I must be a bad person. I must be damaged or wicked or crazy." No, no, no! You must be real. . .allow yourself to expose the good, the bad, and the ugly. Pushing the ugly thoughts and feelings under your bed will not make them go away. They will always be there until you remove them.

Is it wrong to long to be the one to drive a nail into the casket - to be certain with each swing that this person who causes so much horror will not come back to life? Absolutely not! The most important thing you can do is to be honest with God. He already knows. He will not be surprised by what you say or do.

He alone will guide you out of the catacomb of the "hell on earth" you lived through. He can bring you to healing and peace because no one knows you better them He does. We must all learn to trust God. He is big enough to handle true feelings, and guide the wounded soul through grief.

Feelings Hurt But Help To Heal

2012-01-02T18:22:00.000-08:00

Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

About seven years ago I started going to counseling, after having suicidal thoughts. I didn't think I could go on living. I did the best I could to be a good mother and wife, but I always seemed to disappoint my husband. I am sure he felt the same way...that he could never please me.

I was totally stressed out. I had spent about sixteen hours shopping on the Friday after Thanksgiving. Our income was tight, so over and over I questioned every single purchase I made. I got up at four o'clock that morning to get the door buster specials, but by six o'clock that afternoon I could barely remember what I was doing and had horrible heart burn. When I finally arrived in the back door of my home at eight that night, I felt somewhat pleased with myself. I had bought all the gifts while staying close to my budget.

My dear husband had one question as I crossed the threshold, "Did you put anything on the credit card?" My heart sank. The very last purchase I put on the credit card because I couldn't remember exactly how much I had spent and I didn't want to overdraw our checking account. I felt like someone had shot me. I went upstairs and cried and cried. I didn't know how I could continue living under such pressure and constant failure.

After a few months of counseling, the therapist was uncovering the fact that I really had no feelings. I was numb. We talked about a situation in my childhood and he asked me how I felt. I was stumped, "Felt?...happy?...sad? What about feelings? Feelings? Hmm, I have never thought about feelings." No one had ever asked me, "How do you feel?"

"Can you give me a suggestion of what you mean by feelings? I can't think of any?" I asked the therapist. I will never forget that he handed me a picture chart with twenty-four different cartoon-like faces and under each face was the name of a feeling. I was really glad to see the faces above the words because it helped me in the following months to identify what my feelings were in any given situation or memory.

Since so many people who have been abused or traumatized learn to ignore or deny their feelings, I am going to list the feelings. The next time something happens that makes you feel....first, allow yourself the permission to feel, and then second, ask yourself a simple question, "How do I feel?"

To live is to feel. God gave you feelings, because he wanted you to be connected to life. It is OK to feel; as a matter of fact it is good to feel, even if the feelings are what you would call 'good'. Yes, some feelings can be painful, but there are also a lot of wonderful feelings in this world. If you accept the rose, you must take care to watch for the thorns.

Here are the feelings in no special order:

Bored Surprised Anxious Shocked Shy

Overwhelmed Hopeful Lonely Lovestruck Jealous

Angry Hysterical Frustrated Sad Confident

Exhausted Confused Ecstatic Guilty Suspicious

Embarrassed Happy Mischievous Disgusted Frightened

Enraged Ashamed Cautious Smug Depressed

Now, by no means are these all the feelings you can experience. The list would be endless, but this is a good start.

When you allow yourself to feel and you identify how you feel, be still and see if you have a body sensation. Do you have a pain somewhere? Is a muscle tense? Does your stomach feel upset? Is your hand tingling or numb? Is your breathing shallow or heavy?

It may help you to write about it in a journal. If you are seeing a counselor, make a note so that you can talk about it at your next session. Accepting your feelings is a big first step to being aware of yourself. Feelings help you know more about who you are as a person and what areas you need assistance to feel healthy and healed. Don't live life by following your feelings, because we know we must follow God and His Word, not how we feel. But don't deny yourself feelings, acknowledge them and allow God to help you to feel again.

Ministry Is Messy

2011-12-19T17:55:00.000-08:00

Have you seen her? She doesn't wear the latest fashions. Her clothes hang limply masking her shape. She is not a ruffly kind of girl. Her hair isn't stylish. Frequently it looks like she forgot to wash it so she either pulls it back or rolls it on top of her head as a last minute thought. She has little if any makeup, no showy colors or crisp eyeliner to draw attention to her eyes. Doesn't she know how to look her best?

Have you heard her?

Sometimes she talks too much other times not at all. Her words are raw, truth sent forth with the tip of a sword. She doesn't know how to watch her words. She ignores common etiquette on what is socially acceptable to talk about in public. Her words are heavy, careless and can sting as is if she dipped her words in poison before letting them go. Doesn't she know people don't talk that way?

Have you felt her?

Her presence is insignificant, if it weren't for the lurking aura of inadequacy. You try to pretend you don't notice her as she holds back from the crowd. She looks around, uncomfortably, obviously wanting to fit in. Out of nowhere she springs into the center of a conversation. She over-reacts, is hyper-sensitive and pushes for affirmation. It is so awkward how her interactions sway between being non-existent to obnoxious. Doesn't she know people don't relate to her comments?

She is unpredictable.

Her quiet, pleasant, simple-minded ways can turn as passing through a revolving door to swift, edgy, and loud. She cries when others don't. She speaks when others wouldn't dare. She is emotional, expressing herself as though she was the only one in the room. Those around her feel sorry for her. Something must be wrong. She is one of those people who can be toxic if you try to get close. Doesn't she know she comes across as unstable?

She has real needs!

She longs to experience God's grace and love. In this world, many people are hurting. Jesus went about all the cities and villages, teaching, preaching the gospel and healing. But in seeing the multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because they were weary and scattered, like sheep having no shepherd (Matthew 9:35-36 NKVJ). Jesus has compassion for her, and so should we.

What we need to learn is real heart ministry, the kind Jesus got his hands dirty with, is usually messy. God can enable us to see the person beyond frequently troubled and disheveled life. In God's time, the journey into healing will have to be crossed. Loving words and deeds of affirmation, companionship and support can be a warm cup of cocoa after a bitter walk through blizzard winds.

Is God calling you to be a friend to hurting souls? If you answer, "yes" to His call you may be amazed, as God opens your eyes, how common it is that wounded people cross your path. You might be just the friendly touch of Jesus she needs in her life. I have learned in daily "casual" ministry that God allows me to be part of what He is already doing in a person's life. I am His messenger and it is not up to me to lead anyone to salvation or a certain point of action.

I water, drop seeds, help shine light but God is totally in control of the growth or increase. I praise God for giving me the opportunity to partake in being a laborer in His kingdom. It is enough for me to work the gardens of hearts He sends my way even if I seldom see the fruit or blossoms that develop. Jesus taught His disciples,

"The harvest truly is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore, pray the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest" (Matthew 9:37-38 NKJV).

He spoke these words just after He taught in synagogues, preached the gospel of the kingdom and healed sickness and disease among the people.

The plentiful harvest does not only need to hear the gospel preached, but they also need to be taught and healed. Could you be a shepherd to a few weary, wounded sheep? Helping people find answers when they hurt is messy work. No soul is ever the same, just as no plot of soil is identical. Different weeds pop up in different places at different times. The very composition of the soil is very different, as are the sources of the wounds and the current life circumstances. Therefore, healing has no pattern or order that needs to be followed. The Gardener and his workers must deal with what surfaces, even if it is a mess.

Soul work takes constant connection with the Great Physician to provide the Bible wisdom, life experiences and calming words needed for each specific hurting person. Even with best intentions, I know that I can always leave a mess for God to have to re-work and sweep up long after I am gone, but this should never stop you from trying to help. Frankly, we will never come to a point in sanctification that we are 'ready' to get messy.

Ministering to others helps you grow in maturity. Through my experience of stepping out in faith to work one on one in spontaneous situations, I don't ever push a person for a response. Instead I allow God to move upon the person when His timing is perfect. It is our responsibility to rest in the fact that God is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord that Heals. We simply are a sister walking alongside another in God's spiritual journey. Take comfort in knowing that God will be ministering to you as you step out into the messy work of ministering to others.

Sense of Self - Choose to Live Positively

2011-11-05T20:23:00.000-07:00

Within every soul a yearning to know self is natural.

Often self awareness is more acutely discerned when a disintegration sense of self is experienced. Most people merrily bob along in life or keep themselves busy with activity and noise.

These are distrations that keep us from ever going deeper and frankly a lot of life is wasted as one drifts through days, months, years. If you are aware that you are coming apart and are not stable, you are more closely connected to self awareness than those so disintegrated that they can't even recognize they need help.

I know this doesn't make you feel great about where you are finding yourself today. There exists a wide range of having disintegrated sense of self.... some days we feel more solidly "ourself" and other days we feel trapped.

All I know to do and to persevere.... as I seek God.

From God I began and to Him I return.

My whole life is due to Him, so I might as well learn how to live... life... as He wants me to live.

And that has been my journey the last 30 or so years. Living, Learning, Loving... and a whole lot of messing up along the way.

What is the key? What is the hope? How might a disintegrated self become integrated into one whole soul. The real me I was by design created to be before ... well, you know.. just before.

I long to start again... it is suppose to be a re-birth of the spirit... is it possible to have the same kind of instant re-birth of the soul. And that is the whole purpose of the journey...

Learning to see the sunrise through the eyes of God. To face the new day with hope knowing each day is full of choices... There are some things in life I can do nothing about... never could.. never will...

BUT what I need to look for is what can I choose to do? What are my possible decisions I can make to make my life shine for people to see God. (It can be hard when you still so want people to see you... honesty... to the core it is me.)

Still... I chose to make the best choices in the midst of my circumstances in the midst of what I have no control over, and that... for me... is enough.

To make me smile at life and myself! Here I go. I choose to live positively!

Schizophrenic Edge

2011-10-17T10:01:00.000-07:00

"Happily Surrendered to be"

A few months past the end of10 years of therapy, I am getting a glimpse of who I was... or who I escaped from being.

How close can a person get to the schizophrenic edge and not drop in? I think I have been there... and I remain to tell about it.

I am sure as time rolls on I will get to view more of what has happen, and with a widening understanding recognize myself... shadows of me, "could-be-me" scenes.

I am not sure if I should cry or rejoice. Cry for who I was, the pain, the prison, the exotic psychotic! or rejoice for "the me" that was able to escape the looney shell, as to slit the outer skin and walk through.

Over the years I think I had moments of norm... moments of slipping out and frolicking in the sun like a child released from school for the first day of summer. Everything so bright, and simple, and full.

But a "mighty hand of not" would find me, hunt me, hound me and drag me back into the "land of lost" -- the greying black stone-cold cave of uncertainty. The wild escapades of a mind--so certain of its own sanity - its own clear view - its own super-knowledge beyond the average mind of common folk - those simpletons. Not to live in putred pride, but to feel you can see life better than most... in more levels, dimensions, deeper and with absolute sharpness that frequent passerby-ers miss.

The great abyss of knowledge, of pinpoint accuracy, of elation to see and hear. To walk on the free side of human life, the one that doesn't follow archaic rules of man, but runs after the Most High... and actually knows Him, touches Him. Could this be why I am so certain and so surely believe? Because my faith is not blind but based on experience, based on so numerous escapades with Him, and where few believe enough to be swept away.

And I am not sure I know... if I know... what I know.

I heard voices. Clear loud instructing voices. Horrible voices. Haunting voices. Day after day, year after year... I know what it is like to live within the company of more than just myself. And that makes me sad, not strongly sad, but with watercolor strokes of sorrow.

As I am better, I am reading books of the experiences of others for the first time--over and over I read of the voices heard by those of Schizophrenia... the words, the commands, the suggestions and they are frighteningly similar to my own recollection. I know. I remember the ones I experienced daily so long ago. And I now know, I was on the schizophrenic edge... caught, before I fell permanently into the depths where few if any return.

And tears wanting to well up, pressing against the inside of my face. My lips pressed together by a neatly hand-sewn seam... not knowing what to say or feel or think. In this thought--these thoughts--I must will myself to be, to just be still.

I will rest right here...

This not so comforting thought, but I don't want to run, to dash away, to break free, to scatter like a mad wild animal, like a child lost and running through the woods, frightened that she will never be found again... at least not by a rescuer ....and I don't want to miss what I need to see or learn or know.

I want to understand. I am no longer in a quest to guide others, what a simple-mindedly thought to think I'd be able to do such a thing, as to drop bread crumbs along the way for others "like me" to have hope and find their journey-free with the guidance of my helping hand. What a grandiose wish! Probably sourcing from a need of purpose, meaning, to help me endure the darkest moments... wanting to know the endless pain was not for naught. And it is quite possible, it was a gift to me, to lighten the load I carried by dropping little bits and pieces along the way for others to find. This act of kindness to others could have very well been a protective way to make it more likely I could break through the shell.

At least now, I am on the outside looking in or at who I once was - whichever it may be.

Medication for Mental Illness - Is either a sin?

2011-09-12T14:29:00.000-07:00

Are you diagnosis-ed with mental illness? Are family, religious leaders,and friends trying to tell you it is not real? Some people think people with mental illness are simply weak, not willing to deal with their REAL problems, struggling with sin, looking for an excuse, or opening their life to evil (even demonic spirits). Can a Christian have mental illness? Is it possible? How do we know?

And what about psych medication? Is that even worse? Is taking medication a crutch to avoid dealing with sin? Is it a way to cover up what you wont address head-on? Does taking medication make you a sinner? Would God ever lead one of His children to take medication (psych medication)? Why would He not just heal you?

YES, these are a lot of questions but all of them are so commonly wondered and even bluntly asked. Attending church and having mental illness for most people are too diametrically opposing possibilities. Just like going to church while you work in an "escort" service... if you do one, you really are a hypocrite to do the other. And taking medication for mental illness even digs you deeper in the whole of sinfulness.... that is for self-righteous religious people... and many leaders and members of organized churches.

If you take medication for mental illness you might as well know that if anyone finds out you will drop to the bottom of the list. Don't hold your breath waiting for a phone call to teach, chaperon, lead an area of ministry. Do yourself a favor and don't sign up... or at least lie about taking medication on the forms.

I thought you might be helped by looking at this video.

Please leave comments, these are so nice to read and very encouraging.

When to Release a Client - Doing What is Best for Client

2011-07-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Who Can I Trust?

In every counselor's work comes a time when it is best for a particular client to release them. The key is to know when and how to best do this to benefit the client the most, and to be morally/ethically responsible.

Today there are many different types of "counselors":

Psychologist - (a PhD or PhEd in Psychology)
Licensed Clinical Social Workers (about 30 hour Masters in Clinical SW)
Licensed Clinical Psychologist (about a 60 hour Masters in LCPsychology)
Marriage, Family and Child Counselor (about 30 hours Masters)
Psychiatrist - (a MD in psychiatry from a medical school, internship in hospitals, prescribes medication and very few do private counseling)
Biblical Counselor - (Certified from Various Biblical Counseling Programs, not a college degree but more over the internet/DVD type of course work by pastors, teachers, some professional counselors) (Not licensed by State or Board Certified, usually under the authority of a local church)
Pastor - (most have a seminary level similar to a PhD, some have a PhD, study was in ministry aspects and not specialized in counseling but most do some limited level of pastoral counseling)
Prayer Minister/Counselor - (Many ministries certify people to be Prayer Ministers to help people with healing in all mental, physical, & spiritual needs, not a college degree, not licensed or certified by State Boards)

If I missed any group of counselor, let me know below in comments.

As you can see, many different type of counselors are available for help people struggling with mental and emotional problems. Depending on the counselor, some are directly paid with money, some are covered by insurance, and some are paid for by church/ministry.

People can find Christian Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Social Workers and other degreed professionals but most do not label themselves as such and only use Biblical counseling when their client request it. Each of these counselors can specialize in different disorders, mental conditions, and/or emotional problems. Usually a professional counselor lists what areas they specialize in and this gives you an idea where they have the most experience, in what topics they normally do their required continuing education and what kind of patients they feel most qualified to take.

I explain all of this in detail because this background is necessary to understand when a counselor should release a client for the best of that person's care. Also, I will handle non-licensed/certified counselors later in this post.

In counseling, situations will arise when a counselor must admit they do not have the experience/expertise to be the best person to help their client. For example, if I went if a patient went to an ophthalmologist and needed cataract surgery, the ophthalmologist would want a cataract surgeon, a specialist to take over the care of the patient. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen so naturally in counseling.

Christians especially struggle in this area. Many people don't understand how deep mental issues can get; they think people can pray, and receive solid Biblical counsel, and be "healed". Of course, God can heal anyone, but most people don't rely on prayer groups and Biblical support/counseling groups for diabetes, cancer or other medical issues. They seek prayer, and even anointing of oil, but most also go to a person who is specialized in the care of what ills them.

Mental Illness is Real even if you can't see it!

When a client has a " mental cancer" that is eating her up inside, she needs the best, most-qualified psychologist/therapist she can find.

I beg counselors to please refer clients, and start to build a network of counselors for referrals. I very strongly believe God can put her in the loving hands of counselors that deals with her type of cases - but more importantly - that are interconnected with many counselors that deal with similar cases, and meet about once a month to discuss hard cases and to get assistance/guidance. With all my heart, I know God has help for her to be healed. It is impossible for Him not to have a healing plan for her.

What a Christian friend or non-licensed counselor can offer is a Biblical truth, spiritual prayer cover, and Biblical discipleship. For many hurting people this is exactly what they need, but for people who come from complicated abuse and trauma backgrounds they often need more specialized experienced counselors. Don't be surprised if the person in need declines to seek this type of help. Often people will speak loudly and long about the agony, problems and failures they experience, but when it come down to being spiritually disciplined you will quickly find out that they do not want to run to God for healing - they want to run to people. They seek out another person to bleed on. Why does this happen so often?

There are many reasons:

she really just wants attention,
she thinks she must control every detail of her life to not be hurt again,
she feels she has to stuff it as best as she can so that she can function for others,
she is afraid, even terrified, to take steps to heal,
she doesn't want to confront reality,
she doesn't want to cause problems in her family or with the abusers,
she doesn't like herself and feels her suffering is some kind of justified punishment she deserves,
she doesn't believe she can be healed,
she doesn't think she deserve to be healed,
she refuses to replace lies in her life with Biblical truths,
she identifies strongly with "being needy" or "being a victim",
she has been hurt so many times before, she doesn't trust herself or others,
she has experienced continual rejection from "church people",
she has tried so many counselors that don't have a clue how to help but just talk, and talk, and talk,
she doesn't want to be healed or she may just not be ready.

If she understood that God was her Healer, of course, she would jump at the opportunity to learn more about Him, and to grow closer to Him. But the truth is so few people really know God as He describes Himself, they only know what they see or hear.

When I was seeking help personally in my life, I would have in a millisecond loved if someone would have offered to be my prayer partner and Bible teacher/discipler while I walked through the in-depth therapy. In my life, no one wanted to be that close to me. They didn't like the messy relationship, that I was not always stable or able. They didn't want to be involved with someone that was more needy than able to give mutual friendship. I lost many friends (most to never return)... one or two have and we have been able to talk about how they just didn't know what to do, or that they thought they would hurt me more, or didn't understand, or was not that spiritually mature to handle.

Are you willing to help another carry their cross?

Recently at a local grocery store, I literally nearly bumped into a associate Pastor at the church I left about many years ago because the church pastors pretty much dumped me out when they found out I was taking psychiatric medication (I came to the pastor's office for prayer). I didn't always respond calm or kind; I was bold and sometimes confrontational (I spoke my mind... most pastors don't like it when we have an opposite view or opinion and we let them know). We had not seen each other in years! So after we both took a double-take look, I apologized to him for how unstable I was and let him know how much better I was doing after the past years of counseling and told him I still medically needed medicine to keep me stable. He seemed genuinely happy for me, grateful, and his face turned a slight shade of pink, as he said, "I am a more experienced pastor than I was, and I hopefully would handle the situation better now." Joel (my husband) called it a divine appointment for us both to have had a clear closing to that "bad relationship".

Truly, I think churches need to learn how to come alongside people with a Mental-care group, like a divorce care group. This is the type of vision I have with wanting to start up a Non-profit organization in Living Visible! Living Visible would be able to access a person's support needs and provide her with people in her local area that can walk alongside her recovery. This ministry is intended for people who will need long-term help!Oh, how I wish this kind of support would come from her local church but more than likely it will come from Christians that pool together from many churches burdened to meet the needs of survivors of extreme abuse! This is my heart desire because as it stand today no organization (not even the church) is willing/equipped to help these kind of hurting people!

As a counselor, it can be very painful to not be able to help someone when you desire with all your heart to do so. What I do know is that God will lead and strength counselors that are uniquely His. If He keeps bringing a clients like this back into your life, I would ask Him what He desires you to do to become better equipped to take on cases like this if it is His heart desire for you. Being a therapist to people who have been horrifically and extremely abused - especially over many years and starting in early childhood - is very difficult work. But I know that God picks those He desires to enter this specially ministry! Counselors can be found for all varieties of needs. Don't be discouraged if you have to refer a client to another specialist! Trust that you are doing what is best for your client.

Halleluiah! No More Therapy!

2011-07-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

"MOVE THAT BUS! Move that Bus!" Don't you love hearing the family and neighbor's on the TV show Extreme Make-Over shouting, "Move that bus!"? Wouldn't you love to be shouting that yourself? The excitement. The nervousness. The longings of hopeful expectations are about to be seen, known, and fully experienced by all of your senses.

The glee! The joy! The tears! I love it all. And even though the beautiful new house filled with all that incredibly wonderful stuff is not mine, I still enjoy room by room seeing the end results of the show.

But what if you could have a new life?

Raised into The New Life

Rarely in life will someone experience something like The Extreme Makeover happening personally to them. It is a show that will reach a few. Out of 300 million people, a handful will get picked. It is less than a one in a million chance.

What if I told you, the odds in life are much more in your favor. I am not talking about the TV show Extreme Makeover; I am talking about something much more personal, and so much more important. You don't have to wait to be the lucky one to get selected. You get to choose for yourself whether you want a new life. Every single person has a choice (and yes, that includes you no matter what). No one is excluded.

When I was in my twenties, I was so messed up. I was broken - more like shattered internally. I was emotionally unstable, but mentally and physically I was strong. I was a survivor!, and therefore I was determined not to make the mistakes others made to hurt me. I was NOT going to abuse my children!

Little did I know how hard it would be to keep that promise I made to myself. And I would have never kept it by myself. If I didn't come to know that Jesus is God, and He is real, not some imaginary figure, some man-made legend. God moved in my seeking heart to clearly show me that Jesus WAS God. Growing up I heard he was born a baby in the manger. I also knew about some pretty amazing things he did as an adult, and some really wise teachings He spoke. But what I didn't know is He didn't remain a man. He died as a man physically and was raised from the dead in the total fullness of being God Himself manifested on earth. Jesus the man, was also God.

I know that is a lot to understand. Frankly, I didn't understand all about Jesus when I decided with everything in my heart to follow Him and to allow Him to be Lord God of my life. I just knew I had to do it. When the Holy Spirit showed me that Jesus was God, when I heard those words within my soul, that instant, I chose Him - and never turned back. From that day forward I have NEVER been alone, NEVER! And day by day, inch by inch, year by year, God has taught me how to follow Him. He taught me who He is, and how differently He wanted me to live. Best of all, He gave me the ability to live a new life and to be a new person. He re-purposed me!

And as I grew, mostly by attending Bible teaching churches, I began a complete renovation of who I was. Every time I stumbled into a fear, a trauma trigger, a disassociated thought, He showed me what to do. I had to learn to listen to His voice, and to obey Him no matter what. When I chose Him as my Lord, I meant it. I wanted Him to take control of my life. And why not? I was an unholy mess. Anger, fear, obsession, doubt and torment bled through the moments of my day. A lot of times I was completely out of my control. I was tossed around like an unloved ragdoll, drug through garbage, left in sewers, and shoved off the jagged edges in life. I was more than once left to die ... rot for all anyone cared.

But I am here testifying to the truth, God lifted me up, cleansed me, clothed me, fed me, held me, loved me and led me one step at a time to find the purpose of my life.

Thirty years later from the time I chose Jesus I can proclaim, "I have peace in deep within the core of my being knowing the old season - the time of intense healing from the damage done to my soul by the abuse and trauma - has come to a close." I can never say I will never need intense healing again, but I can say,"For the present moving forward, my seven long years of weekly EMDR/Brainspotting therapy for a mental dissociative disorder (a year or so bi-weekly) is FINISHED!"

Halleluiah, Praise the Lord! I know if you don't know God that sounds real churchy, but honestly I don't mean it that way. I am just so very thankful He faithfully helped me to heal. Is it any wonder how marveled I am by His love for me!

I am being who God created me to be!

People usually celebrate and praise God when they get a miraculous instant healing, but most people don't get healed that way. While God could heal everyone immediately, He frequently chooses to let us walk through our healing with His loving direction. God taught me so much, but one of the greatest lessons I have learned the past thirty years is that I needed God, more than I needed healing.

Even though my healing took many years, I have no less reason to cheer and give Him all the glory. Without a doubt, I would not be alive today to type this post if I did not know God as My Lord and Savior. His love for me always cut through the suffering. When I was drifting into being emotionally unhinged, He was the steady core within the fight. I learned when I could count on no one, when I was totally misunderstood, when my loudest scream wouldn't stop the pain, when all the walls were falling in on me and the floor was dropping out - GOD WAS THERE!

I could see Him, feel Him, reach out and grab Him so that I would not be swept away by the storm. He has NEVER failed me. He has NEVER left me alone. He has NEVER closed me out. He has NEVER shunned me, been ashamed of me, belittled me, sidelined me, lied to me, tricked me or hurt me. Can you say that about anyone in your life? Since the day I began following Him as my Lord, King, All-mighty God, He has faithfully walked me through the most unspeakable valleys. He gently guided me and told me what to do.

So why? Why did He allow me to suffer? Why did He let me enter a painful suffering so that I would need to be healed? How could He love me and watch me be abused?

I don't know every answer, but I do know Who does. I also know other people hurt me - not God. A lot of time when someone has suffered violence and abuse, they don't turn to God. They blame Him, believe He doesn't love them, or can't believe there is a God in a world with so much wickedness. I understand those thoughts. So hurting people chose to live life their way, trying to escape the memories. Often they end up being one of those people that hurt others. I was damaged mostly by people who rejected God. People who said He wasn't real. If I had not made the choice to be open to follow God's ways, I would still be tortured in a state of trauma. I would be trapped in the cycle of abuse. I would be an abuser to myself and others.

I had a choice to make, I chose God! He accepted me, and adopted me, and gave me a new life - literally a new way to live. I didn't have to change in my own strength; and I didn't have dramatically do it all at once. My life wasn't a make-over. God gave me a totally new ME renovation - I am today closer to being the original person He created me to be, and I really like who I am! I have discovered a meaningful re-purpose for my life.

If I can help you in any way or even if you want to share you story, leave me a comment. I will enjoy reading what you have to say. Community is important, so is taking a step to share.

I Dread Father's Day!

2011-06-21T05:29:00.000-07:00

For most of my life Father's Day was one of the most painful days of the entire year. This year I had a great Father's Day. I celebrated the day with my husband who is a terrific dad. He loves his three children who are now teens. They have a great relationship with him, and so do I. We had a very memorable, happy day together.

When you grow up in an abusive home, when your father was your main abuser, when you fear him and don't love him, when he is the cause of your deepest pain, when you are struggling to be a parent because you had no role-model as a child, when you still don't trust or like your father, saying, "Happy Father's Day!" is stabbingly a lie.

Pastors on Father's Day often give a Father's Day message. Most don't mention the agony of many of those sitting in the pews that cringe just to hear those three words: "Happy Father's Day!" So many people sit in there and cry inside, torn into shreds by the clawing lies. This is the truth:

He doesn't deserve a holiday!
He wasn't a good father!
He denies the damage he did!
He pressures me to call, write or give a gift!
I don't want to say, "Happy Father's Day."
I don't want to hear his voice.
I don't want to see him.
I don't want to celebrate him on this day or any day.
It is a lie!
It rips me inside out!
I wish this day would drop off the calendar.
I wish I could disappear for the day.

Just writing these words brings heaviness to my arms. I know I have hit a deeply held wound.

I wish just once I could have sent a card like this, especially when I was hurting the most before so much healing:

Today is Father's Day, a day to celebrate fathers!

You were a horrible father. I have struggled to overcome all abuse and trauma you caused in my life.

This day is not for you!

Father's Day is a day to celebrate loving, kind, good fathers which you were not. So don't expect a gift or for me to call to wish you a "Happy Day" on Father's Day, I have been dealing with all the wounds and pain I suffered because of you.

Let's just agree Father's Day is not and will never be a day I will happily celebrate your fatherhood. I choose to live in reality. I hope you can come to terms with all you did, but don't expect me to be part of your life. I don't care what you do on this day. It has nothing to do with me. To me, I had no father. I only had a violent, horrible abuser that pretends even to this day that he was a father. I choose hope for recovery in my life and in my precious families' life. I choose to not have a relationship with you and to focus on my present. I choose truth, and a positive, hope-filled future.

I choose to no longer hide my real feelings. I am going to be empowered in truth.

I am going to live visible!

Would not that be a great card? What would your truthful card say? Do you finally choose to live visible?

Deepest Wounds Open Our Eyes to God's Glory

2011-06-08T08:22:00.000-07:00

"In my deepest wound, I saw Your glory and it dazzled me."

St. Augustine

Let God Shower You with LOVE!

I recently read this verse in a women's bio that had great physical suffering from having undiagnosed Lyme disease for so many years it has left lingering damage.

Is this not so much like abuse and trauma damage! It lingers in our body undiagnosed for so many years wrecking havoc on our mind, body, emotions and spirit.

God wants to heal us! He doesn't want us to be permanently left with deep wounds. But once we have been wounded, God doesn't want to see us hurt and not use it in our being for good. He wants us to see His glory and be dazzled by it! He wants us to receive all the blessings, treasures, insight and grace possible to not only redeem the deepest wounds but to equip us to be ministers of His Holy grace to help others.

Don't let fear keep you from receiving all the dazzling glory of knowing God at the deepest ways possible!

People who suffer deepest wounds are the very people who know God the deepest if they surrender healing to Him and focus on loving and knowing Him more than seeking healing. We have to come to the point that we want to have God, to know God, to be known by God with all our being. When God is more than enough, He will never stop dazzling us with what He will do in and through us!

Truly, we must seek God first! And, all else (including healing) will be added to our life. Abandon yourself and your time to Him!

Time To Dance! (Even After Abuse and Trauma)

2011-06-05T10:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how much people rejoice when they are delivered? Who are those charismatic souls spinning, leaping, dancing with emotion so rich it can be felt in your own soul? Who is the Lord of their dance?

Dance Unto God!

We learn in life there is a season for all things. God is breaking open a new season, particularly among those who are bound, fettered, beaten, broken, and left for dying. God is hearing the cry of His children. The evil covering is breaking. And through the crack His strong luminous self is bringing light to darkness. We must respond by grateful, joyous dance to break away the cracking shell covering that has blinded us from His fullness of light.

Let go! Let be! Be real to who you were originally created to be.

Be warned sometimes you must break into dance even if you don't feel like it at first instance. Resist the dampening, rigid "suppose to" and answer thanksgiving and expectation knowing in faith that God heals, God pours out His mercy, His love, His acceptance, His freedom! DANCE!

Dance unto the Lord, let your soul go. Time of weeping has an end. Mourning does not last a lifetime - it is a season which must be endured, but not repeated over and over. Satan would never have you leave the cycle of misery, despair, fright, and inability. Don't hang on to his cloak. Instead reach out and touch the hem of God's royal robe! Allow Him to pull you up into His presence, into the palace hall, into the throne room.... and rejoice, dance unto the Lord.

Let's Dance!

God is watching you, He is wanting you, He is waiting for you - look - reach - step! Release your soul to celebrate the victory!

Discipling After Abuse - Can You Respond To Me?

2011-05-25T20:03:00.000-07:00

This Victory Does not feel Good!

I have been trying to teach Bible to my children... I have been trying to teach everything to my children... who are now teens... does that fact alone end the mystery of my problem... well, here it goes...

It has never been easy. I did not have a good model... coming from abuse... domestic violence... that was more like torture... so I don't do the things I want to do, but I am growing as a parent.

Being inconsistent has been one of my greatest problems and losing my resolved because I respond in negative ways... I get ticked off... I get upset when my children disobey over and over. Staying calm when my children are arguing, twisting words, having their own private recall of events...

How can it be?

How can it be that a mother who loves the Lord, who only wants to love her children, who wants to raise them up to know and love God, and who wants them to become who God wants them to be.

So one argues, another gives an "i don't care" look, another says as little as possible. They all pretend they can't do the Bible Study. What ever I ask them to do, they do not:

record the cross-reference by this verse,
underline the verse and write the word 'church' in the margin
look at a verse and tell me how it compares or contrast
and the list goes on.......

My children don't respond to me. They sit still, they ignore, doing what is right in their own eyes. They are apathetic, being too busy with the things they want to do in life. And entangled in their own activities, they fill their day with pleasure pursuits.

So I send them to their room, "GO! GO to your room... spend at least 30 minutes... on your own studying the Bible or in prayer..." A short time later one teen comes down and says, "I am sorry." But is it just words?

What are you sorry about? "About not wanting to do the Bible Study."

So, what are you going to do? "..... "

After several tries, I assume my child is just trying to make things right so he can go with his friends in the afternoon. He had plans. Now his plans are in jeopardy. I have not stood fast before. I always cave in. I always let them do what they planned. But today, I decide it is going to be different.

It is painful for me. I ask Lord help me, to Stand Firm, to Stand Fast, to give my teens the consequences they need in order to learn, to repent, and to align themselves with God.

I love my children... I always feared what would happen... was I being a good mom. My child would tell me I was immature, not a good parent, didn't know what I was doing... and I would crumble.... I don't have to listen to those lies any more.

I didn't want to hurt my child. I wanted them to have friends. I wanted them to have fun. I hate disappointing them. God is giving me the strength to stand by my words. "If you don't obey me, you are going nowhere today."

I close my ears to all the comments thrown my way. I focus on the Lord and the music on my playlist helps. It helps me be lifted up to Him and not to let angry darts of words strike my tender heart. So here I am Lord, I am reaching out to Jesus... with tears in my eyes...

Grace, forgiveness, mercy and healing..... there is time for all of these. And my time to be standing strong, being a steady, firm parent. I guess today is my day for this... it doesn't feel like a gloating victory, but it is a sad, maturing learning to be strong.

Do you know such parenting pain?

I am Bothered By My Size

2011-05-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Life after being abused - the life a one who survives child abuse, sexual abuse and all other trauma's damages the ability to properly view yourself physically and emotionally.

How did this happen? I no longer see the picture of who I was 30 years ago when I look in the mirror, I see me. I see who I really am... what other people see... I have gotten bigger. I see age. I see cellulite. I see bulges.

I don't like what I see. I don't feel pretty. I feel plump. I can't say fat yet... plump somehow sounds like a happy santa.... not so overweight... they way he is suppose to be.

I have noticed that my shirts are getting shorter... and when I bend forward a roll of flesh like a summer floatie rests below the edge of my shirt. I don't like it, so I keep pulling my shirt down attempting to make it longer. I also find myself sitting up taller trying to elongate what is within my skin.

My arms are all bumpy, not slender, nor smooth. What has happen to me?

And what strikes me, beyond what reality I do finally see in my mirrored reflection is that I was able to hide this from myself so many years. Like an anorexic looks in the mirror and see herself fat... how many years have I looked in the mirror and seen myself at age 21, size 8?

I want to blame something! It must be this computer... blogging... I was not so fat until I sat so much writing, releasing, pushing through all the gunk in my soul. There may be a bit of truth to this... but is this just a piece of the delusional dissociative effect of surviving from child abuse and domestic violence? Was I afraid to see, afraid I would reject myself.... even maybe hate what I see.

And it doesn't help that the thought of exercise sounds like a foreign highly toxic communicable disease. Chocolate ice cream sounds so much nicer. It is like comparing wool flannel underwear to silk.

My age is catching up with me...50 doesn't sound young or small.

Do you see what your real reflection is? Have you ever not seen it? When did it change? When did you notice? It befuddles me!

Noise, Nerves, Never

2011-05-23T23:19:00.000-07:00

Little children, happy children, make noise.

Noise is the beginning of communication, language, relationship and should be so appreciated and cherished.

But noise can unsettle nerves when a survivor of abuse and trauma is not used to what is normal... children playing, children laughing, children exploring, children being.

What to one is sweet, to another is rattling. And the mere fact of knowing it should not be, causing the threads of stability to unwind ever swifter.

Knowing... but not able. Wanting... but not there yet. Trying... but not ready.

Still, as a survivor of abuse or trauma, a parent must continue moving toward what they know is healthy. It is a struggle to not loose hope when little things like children's noise can rattle you, bouncing your insides around till you think you might literally crack.

In my experience, no matter how many times I failed to respond that way I wanted, it was the mercy and hope of faith in God - knowing He was not done with me yet - knowing I was on His healing plan - knowing there is never an end to His "one more time" grace.

Amazing! No matter if you fail hundreds of times to be who you want to be, forgive yourself, accept God's grace, and in faithful obedience never give up!

Life is not about who started out the best, who had the most, who failed the least. Life is not judged by the beginning - the first step, the first word, the first stroke of paint upon a canvas. No, life is all the days, and moments, and lasting endurance because you keep on pressing toward God.

Thank God! It is not up to me to complete me, to heal me, to fix me, to finish me. Scripture says of God, "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it." I am a work of God!

So the noisy boys actively busy and 'in their own world' creating the sound necessary, appropriate for children's playtime in the waiting room of the doctor's office today reminded me of my own young children... and how they, just being children, made me come unglued.... and I pause, remembering, and thanking God that He gives me insight where I had none, and is redeeming all the sad, inappropriate days we had.

I can't make the past go away, but I can be changed by it... pressed by it... tried by it... in the Master's hands continually being molded into who He desires me to be.

I am in good hands!

Finding Inner Peace (A Survivor chooses how to live)

2011-05-22T07:38:00.000-07:00

I type knowing I have lost my voice in your life, knowing my choice to distance myself have consequences... And still, I hear your soul, in these words that you wrote:

"Time lapses, but unsure of what my immediate future holds, I remain paralyzed in the moment. However, will this moment end or will the stress of my current life continue to unravel my confidence, desire and ability to continue?

As I retreat from the track, I stop. Placing my nervous hand upon my forehead, I check to even judge the reality of this event, the existence of my own body here in this moment. I feel tired, moody and; generally unhappy. I ask myself "How could this be?", I have no reason to feel this way. I have no rationale for this moment of weakness nor the understanding of its meaning.

I am like a tree that is green with life on its leaves because the mechanisms of life itself never fail. Nature is perfectly, imperfect. However, I am cold within my own trunk, it is a feeling that I need to understand, quickly..." (excerpt from blog post of another)

And after reading these poetically, tradgic, beautiful words, I wish I could embrace "this" you, the realness that dares to be seen for a moment on a "dusty cinder track" of life... here, at a crossroad, in reality a real choice every soul will make. You are being, in touch with your inner self, with who you are in the core.

Faced with a decision,

Does one step off into the raging rapid of uncertain truth?
Does one risk all for knowing total abandonment of self in choosing to trust an invisible God?
Can one have ultimate faith, being the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen?
Can one risk to trust that what is visible is temporal, as grass or flowers that appear for a time but soon wither and fade away instead of what is invisible, eternal, everlasting, real?
Will mindful reason ever peek beyond the present cover, the charade, the forever musical circling carousel of present living?
Might one be living for the present, forcing one's self to make-believe "all is good" while avoiding to be living in the present knowledge of eternal peace, which can be obtained?

The response to these questions are profoundly critical to the inner life of one's self - the true life - the eternal soul, that is currently within the physical body, but ultimately fully visible for eternity.

If an invisible inner soul, is not addressed, is quieted, is controlled, is neatly boxed for one's sake of stability and survival, what becomes of the very real the core of truthful essence of life?

100 years from now, even a 1,000, what will matter is who you really are today? Are you choosing to live for what is real (lasting, eternal)? To do so, takes unspeakable courage, to place trust of oneself into the faithful, almighty hands of our Creator to mold, pound, twirl with the skill of the greatest potter... to refine, purify, and try under the burning blaze of experience... where few will allow themselves to go. Are you able? Are you willing?

So raw, so vulnerable, so real.
So naked, so honest, so revealed.
So surrendered to willingly endure "come what may" from the hand of ones' Maker. So few even dare to ponder such an existence.

When at the bottom looking up, God is the only one reaching out a hand. He is the rescuer, the father, the ruler, the orchestrator of one's life, if a person but allows Him absolute authority, unhindered access, full surrender of every action, attitude, word, thought... true Lordship. Not my will, but yours. Not my way, but yours. Not my life, but my life is Yours....

IT IS HERE: The zenith of all decisions one choses if he will be "free at last, free at last, My God, thank God, I am free at last"!

or not....

Truly, this choice will always be yours!

Afraid of Being Diagnosed - Who Wants to Have Mental Illness

2011-05-15T15:25:00.000-07:00

Who wants to have mental illness? It is almost as bad as asking who want to have cancer! Tragically, many people suffer from mental illness after they have been abused or traumatized. An excessively volatile, unstable family life can cause your brain to not develop properly. Some mental illnesses are genetic, passed down from your parent's genetic code. Other mental illnesses result from an organic malfunction in your brain and body chemicals. Symptoms may not appear until many years after the abuse/trauma initially took place making it hard to connect the symptoms to the underlying cause.

It is not necessary for you to have a diagnoses in order to begin treatment. Many people seek help from their doctor because they are struggling with ongoing bouts of depression or anxiety. When their life starts to unravel as they try to cope with everyday life, a person will go talk to a counselor (or a pastor). Fortunately pastors, counselors, and family doctors are usually trained to recognize symptoms of mental illness and will refer you to a psychiatric doctor. Prayer is one of the best gifts you can be given at this time, encourage others to pray for you.

Most people delay making an appointment, because they want to keep the hope that their symptoms are due to a medical illness, not a mental illness.

It is never easy to hear someone tell you to seek help from a psychiatric doctor. You may resent the suggestion knowing your symptoms are real and not "only in your head'. But this is an old stereotypical view of mental health, when few medications, treatments and physiological research were available. Psychiatrists are medical doctors that go to medical school just like any other doctor. In addition, they take a specialization in psychiatric medicine. These doctors learn how to care for patients with mental disorders and are aware of the most current medications. Pray to your Heavenly Father and ask Him to guide you to find the doctors He want you to have.

Being diagnosed with mental illness can feel more like a life sentence of being labeled "abnormal". It is not like getting diagnosed with a strep throat and being certain that a round of antibiotics will kill the streptococcus bacteria. If only mental illness could be that certain. Most mental illnesses are not cured but treated. And while there is much less stigma in having a mental disorder than there was decades ago, it is still not something that you will probably want to announce at your next Sunday School Class. All to frequently, people get lectured, avoided and criticized from people who view mental illness as a lack of faith or weakness.

Remember that your acceptance is in Christ, God's view of you, and not in what others think or say about you.

When someone confides in you about having a mental illness, respond to them the way you wish others would have been loving to you. "Thank you for sharing" or "I know this is hard for you" may be one of the kindest responses you can make when you find out that a friend or family member has been given a mental illness diagnosis. Don't look for who to blame. It is not like a person who has the mental illness caused it to happen in their own body. Never share about someone else's diagnosis. Each person gets to decide whom she will tell. There are no rules about whom a person needs to tell. The only people who must know are the doctors or therapist.

Psychiatrist and psychologist are careful not to label their patients because they understand that you are not your illness.

Just because someone has symptoms of a disorder, it is not her identity.

The doctor knows there is a hopeful road to recovery and many patients they treat will have a very stable, healthy life. Knowing your diagnosis can be positive because you can become informed about your illness, ask questions and seek out a support group to meet your specific needs.

Being diagnosed can also help you accept the fact that you have an illness that needs to be treated. Too many patients live in denial instead of acceptance. Denial of mental illness can be very dangerous because a patient will less likely take their medication or pursue professional therapy if she has a few good weeks; this causes a terrible cycle of deep valleys of instability mixed with seasons of normalcy.

Christian leaders and fellowships need to continue to make progress in embracing people who have mental disorders.

A diagnosis of a mental illness is no less shameful than a diagnosis of hyperthyroidism or diabetes. It is not who you are, it helps doctors to determine methods of therapy and a way to talk with other doctors about the best ways to treat your condition. When a family doctor determines a medical diagnosis a patient accepts the treatment as part of their life. They understand it is something they will have to change in their life in order to remain healthy. This should be the same attitude a patient has when they have a mental illness, and it should be our response to those who struggle with these illnesses.

The one person that wont be surprised by your diagnosis is God.

Always believe that He is able to heal any illness. Know that He uses many different tools. So seek Him in prayer throughout your journey and trust Him be with you every step of the way. Jeremiah 29:12-13 NKJV says, "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Living Visible - A Ministry For Healing

2011-05-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

So many hurting are hiding, invisible to many.

OK, I wrote this yesterday and chickened out with tons of doubts and removed it. Now that I realize I was listening to a lot of comments being sent my way by the enemy... I am putting it back up. "Oh, me of little faith!"

If you are interested in helping organize a non-profit ministry for survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence, child abuse and trauma, please contact me.

So often the world sets up organizations to be there for hurting, but they don't have the real answers. I am hoping to set up a ministry that really make a permanent difference in hurting survivors lives.

God is laying the vision of such a ministry on my heart, therefore, I am looking for a team of like-minded Christians to prayerfully lead.

If interested check out the document for Living Visible Ministries.

5 Ways To Better Sleep

2011-05-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

The causes of sleeplessness are endless, requiring millions of people to take sleeping pills nightly. But, there is a good reason abused and traumatized individuals often struggle with sleep. During a good night's sleep, the brain processes facts and feelings exposed to during the day in the Random Eye Movement (REM) stage of sleep. Horrific events usually bypass the normal nighttime brain processing. Survivors of trauma frequently stay in the lighter stages of sleep, instead of deep sleep required for REM processing. Traumatic experiences are isolated to parts of the brain that hold the memories until the person is in a safe place to process what happened. These memories of trauma often surface during dreams causing fear, torment, and total frustration because the brain has not properly processed the event.

When I first started writing this article about sleeping better, I compiled a list of current sleep remedies from the latest talk-shows and popular women's magazines. Let's see . . . exercise, better time management, regular schedule, quieting down activity, reading, relaxing bath, cup of hot milk or chamomile tea, etc. While I could make the list quite spiritual sounding by including some Biblical principles, I had a nagging feeling that it was not what God has said about sleeping.

Sleeping better is not only an area where I have matured in since childhood, it is an area God is still dealing with me as I go through pre-menopause desires to stay up all hours of the night. As I dig into His Word, I am certain He will be showing me, again, how to correct my ways. God has most recently been showing me that I cut into my sleep to "do" more. God must be LORD of my time management (what I allow to have time in my day, and how much time each item receives)

1) Different Types of Sleep - A quick glance at Bible verses reveals a wide variety of thoughts on sleep. We can have restful sleep, lazy sleep, dying sleep, sound sleep, dream-filled sleep, drowsy sleep, deep sleep, fleeting sleep, troubled sleep, little sleep, and pleasant sleep. You are not alone. Whatever type of sleep you are having God has dealt with it before and He has a way for you to find satisfying sleep. Trust that God has experience with your specific sleeping problems.

2) God is the Source - The first time God speaks of sleep in Scripture is in Genesis 2:21: "So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept..." (NAS). God created sleep is an obvious takeaway, but very important. The Creator of sleep is the Physician of sleep. If we are having trouble entering into deep sleep, God has the cure. God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept. He slept so well God removed one of his ribs and closed up his flesh. God's deep sleep is thorough, and purposeful. In trusting our sleep to God, He will cause us to sleep. Don't look to medication, relaxation music, TV, books, or anything else you may run to for help. God can use any of these to help you develop a pattern of sleep, but you must ask Him what He wants you to do. He is your source!

3) Environment Effects Sleep - In Genesis 31:40 "...by day the heat consumed me and the frost by night, and my sleep fled from my eyes" we can see that the place we sleep effects our sleep. For my first few years of marriage, my husband and I awoke each night to train's whistles. After we purchased a new mattress, we were amazed that we never heard the train again. Jacob awoke from sleep in Genesis 28:16 and said, "Surely the LORD is in this place." It is good for us to remember no matter what our physical circumstances may be, God is with us as we sleep. You can change your environment by adjusting the thermostat, turning off noise/lights, getting a better mattress and preparing a clean, comfortable place to sleep. But more importantly, be aware of God's presence, being confident that the LORD is surely in your place.

4) Usefulness of Sleeplessness - In Esther 6:1, God used the King's lack of sleep, to show recall to his memory that Mordcai saved his life as the King had his book of records read to him. Several times when I struggle to sleep I talk with God and ask Him if there is something He wants me to do. I have been lead to pray for specific people, read Scripture, journal or complete a task. If we trust God to cause sleep, we must also trust Him to be able to use our sleeplessness for His glory. The next time your sleep is disturbed ask God what He wants you to do. I am always in awe of how God awakens people to do His will for kingdom work when they are sensitive to His voice. We live in such rushed days, many try to work or play into the night. Time Management (the way we order our day) must include 8 hours or more of sleep.

5) Peace and Safety - Psalms 4:8 says "In peace I will both lie down and sleep, For You alone, O LORD, make me to dwell in safety." God is the only person who can give you peace and safety in your sleep. I know this can be a great source of fear. Often children are traumatized by abuse during the night. Satan delights in taking our peace and safety in sleep away. He can wear us down, causing us to be irritable, disoriented and sluggish during the day. It is so crucial to lay our fears of the night down at the cross and allow God to protect our sleep. We are no longer in the home of the abuser, don't let the memories rob you of sleep. God will walk you through healing during the day, and peaceful sleep is essential to recovery.

Have you found other ways to help you sleep?

In My Mother's Womb

2011-04-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

A Child is To Be Nurtured and Loved

God formed me in my mother's womb... that can be comforting to most, but not to a child that is born into an abusive home. Abuse is tossed around today to describe an angry push, a frustrated scream or any action that harms another. When I grew up in the 1970's abuse in the South was a secret word... something that didn't happen in middle class neighborhoods... something to be ignored or hidden in hopes that it would just go away.

The middle child of nine, I didn't fit the peacemaker mold commonly associated with that child. Peace was a foreign concept - I knew about survival, fear, torment... these all go hand in hand with being raised by an unstable father who claimed to "have the beast within" and a mother passively detached from reality. Was he mentally ill, demoniacally possessed, or just choosing to be evil? Little children don't care why, they just want the beatings, chokings, accusations, forced labor, everyday-life-threatening-nightmare to stop.... but when something is not seen, ignored, denied, too dangerous, too ugly, too unpredictable.... no one gets involved, no one comes to help.

The violations pile on top of each other like rubbish in a landfill... its putrid, rotten, growing, toxic, and seems never-ending. Sex, violence, cruelty and madness escalates to the point that breathing too loudly can be something to fear. I have seen it, heard it, felt it ... to the point of my soul separating into multiple personalities to exist. How does one recover if she makes it out alive? When will the past stop haunting, bleeding into the present? Where was God my soul finally cries out to make sense who I have become? Shattered, pieces, broken, chards .... I am damaged and it feels beyond repair.

But the story doesn't end there... matter of fact, it is just about to begin...

"In the beginning God!" enters my life! No easy answers, no magic potions, no pixie dust. Real life means you will walk though real answers. God alone made you, and God alone knows you. He creates the stories. He changes lives. Trial, faith, trust, perseverance, justice, and safety are real, messy, painful lessons that must be learned. Healing begins the moment our first response is always, "Yes, God!" It is not a saying, or a song.... it is a life of submitting to the purifying fire of God's sanctifying love.

You can't understand freedom until you know what it is to be in prison, a fearful slave to your life circumstances. You don't know liberty until you first acknowledge you are bound by anger, hatred, revenge, and shame. Do you want to know hope, security, provision, healing? I had to learn to put God first! "In the beginning God"... and for me, 'in the middle God," "in the end God," "in the between God," "in every step of the way God."

He led me from hell to heaven, from denial to reality, broken to whole, damaged to restored. I know no easy road. I only know the one with God holding onto my hand... where real stories of suffering can be changed to a life worth living... to become who He originally created me to be... from in my mother's womb. I am now alive!

Blame and Responsibility

2011-04-17T11:54:00.000-07:00

Who is to Blame for Your Illness?

Often when people think of abuse and trauma they, of course,think the parents are to be blamed. But if it isn't the parents it will be the sibling, the preacher, the teacher or the neighbor.... it has to be someone fault.

But today I am thinking about a different side of blame and responsibility...

How often is the person who is taking the "medication" or healing from "mental illness" the easy one to blame? You know the way she is... is her medication right... she struggles for the right words.... just wait the storm will pass... she doesn't mean what she said... it just must be one of her bad days...

And the list of blaming, excusing, even accusing, statements go on and on.

Maybe it is time for all of us to take a sharp look at conflict... to examine the cycle...

Take responsibility for your own mind, will, emotions.... allow the Spirit of God to examine these parts of your heart. Are you going to be found pure? Do you have any sinful responsibility in the situations that you find yourself? The response of others, you can't control that... but how do you respond?

Many people can't control their own response but that doesn't elevate the penalty of sin. Are you saved by faith in Jesus Christ? Is He your Lord? Are you yielded, following Him with your body, soul and spirit?

Oh, it is too hard! You can't be real. You really expect me to be held responsible for my response, for my actions, for my inaction...

It is not I who holds you responsible. It is not my responsibility ... God created you. God set up the rules of life. God is the lawmaker and the judge. He determines the conditions, the rules, the answers. Are you yet of sick of what you have done to your life... your choices, your "must haves", your ways of intoxicating the pain?

Stop looking for someone to blame. Stop making excuses. It just might be you who has to change.

Look in the mirror! Talk to God, and listen. This is not a cheap, easy catch-all answer. God is REAL! Run to Him!

Steps to Finding a Great Counselor

2011-04-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Finding a Counselor is one of the most important steps in your healing process. Counselors are all over, but trauma counselors with experience and high levels of training to handle severe childabuse or rare. God has a plan, and knows the counselor that you need. So turning to Him is your first step before you can make plans about specific healing. A good counselor will help you take steps toward healing from the abuse and trauma that you endured. Since healing is a very hard painful process, you need a very qualified professional to work with you.

When you want to heal, you will need help from someone that loves God and knows how to apply his truth to your wounds. Finding a counselor, a person who will give you hope to heal, is like finding a piece of gold when you are panning in a running stream. I am going to be honest with you. Matter of fact, truth is the foundation of our Christian faith, so I hope to always be honest with you when I write.

There is a wide variety of counselors; be warned!

Just because someone calls themselves a "Christian" counselor doesn't mean they counsel according to Biblical Truth, and using a church staff counselor doesn't guarantee that you have found a precious, godly counselor either. Many people can be sincere, and want to help, but at the same time may not be equipped by God with experience, wisdom, knowledge, or Spirit-filled discernment.

I have seen many different counselors in my 45 years, and so have my friends and siblings. Few counselors have been helpful or good, in a permanent, healing way.

At this point, you might be wondering if I am just sharing doom and gloom or if I have good news. I want to assure you, I have good news. Great therapist/counselors are in practice and can be found! God has called many dear Christians to heal the sick and to free the oppressed. Isaiah 60:1: says, "The Spirit of the Lord GOD is on Me, because the LORD has anointed Me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and freedom to the prisoners." When you feel God asking you to seek wise counsel, I want you to be equipped to find a counselor that will help you heal, instead of harm you or waste your time and money.

I know the initial visit can be the most fearful. It is very hard to make the first step. Let's face it, it is painful to admit that you need help. You don't want to trust someone with your inner thoughts and feelings. It takes faith in God's love and acceptance of you to trust others. You will have to stop the coping behaviors that you have used to numb the pain. You will have to be willing to change you thoughts and actions to line up with God's plan for your life. You will have to surrender control to God. You will no longer be a victim. You will change.

If you have a dear friend, a sister in the Lord, ask her to pray with you about the steps you are making and the actual initial visit. Prayer cover is very important and powerful. If you do not yet have a person to confide in, leave a prayer request for the ladies in the Christian Woman Take Root website Prayer Request Discussion Group. Wonderful, godly woman are ready to pray and would consider it a high privilege to talk to God on your behalf.

Hopefully, this list will be helpful in determining if a counselor can guide you to God's healing:

1. Ask if the therapist is a Christian.

You may wonder why this is essential. Well, a therapist is going to be talking to you about your life, suggesting ways to change your thoughts, actions and attitudes. During counseling you carefully consider the hurts in your heart, and you look for ways to understand what has happened. Wisdom and God's Word must be applied to your wounds and only a strong Christian with a vibrant personal relationship with Jesus is equipped to help you truly heal. If the counselor does not guide from a God's worldview (biblical worldview), you are going to get a lot of talk and advise, but little, if any, truth and wisdom necessary to deal with soul and spirit wounds.

2. Inquire about education, training, continuing education, certifications, and experience.

Every situation is unique and requires a different amount of knowledge and experience. It is very important for you make sure the person you are going to share your heart with is capable of handling your issues. Most therapists have an area of expertise; a specialty they are really proficient in helping people recover.
Many ladies discover in counseling that they feel vulnerable, like a little child, especially if the abuse or trauma took place in childhood. You may not think you can trust anyone or that you even deserve to have someone to help you. In your hurting, you need protection. Allow the adult/parent part of you, that would check out a doctor for your own children, to look out for your welfare. It is not only OK, but it is very necessary to ask a potential counselor hard questions.
While most education and certifications will legally qualify a person to deal with a wide variety of issues, God enables people to be supernaturally equipped for certain areas of ministry. Abortion, divorce/separation, substance abuse, eating disorders, sleep disorders, rape, physical abuse, anger management, compulsion, depression, and grief are all very different issues.

Find out if the counselor you are considering has had much experience in the area you need assistance. You wouldn't go to a podiatrist to help with double vision or you wouldn't go to a orthopedic surgeon to help you with a bladder infection, so why would you go to a therapist that specializes in abortion and rape if you are have had neither but are struggling with your marriage.

3. Set up an initial consultation

See if your personalities mesh. Do you sense you can trust this person?

Find out if your insurance covers fees, and about urgent call policies, e-mails, and availability at unscheduled appointment times.

Ask about their success with clients with similar situations. How many women have finished therapy and are living functioning, stable lives? How many clients do they currently have?

Discuss types of therapies used (talk therapy, EMDR, brainspotting, hypnotherapy, workbooks, group therapy)

See if your Christian beliefs are similar. Many different people with wide views say they are Christian. You want to make sure your major beliefs are similar. Will prayer or Scripture be used during counseling. Do they pray for guidance before, during, and/or after a session?

Have they ever referred a client to another counselor because the case was out of their expertise? Do they work with other counselors for consultation, suggestions, support?

Have they had patients attempt or commit suicide or become suicidal between sessions?

Ask about therapist plans for your sessions. How long does the therapist think it may take? What will you be expected to do between sessions. Will you have homework, read books, watch DVDs, attend support groups, or follow a workbook? What if your session runs over time? How does the therapist make sure you are grounded and ready to leave a session?

What kind of resources or support will you have? If you have a crisis, what do you do? Who will be on call? How easy can an appointment be added to his/her schedule? How frequently does she return phone messages? Can she be reached on weekend or after hours? Does the therapist help you to set up your own resources to use in between sessions if raw feelings start to effect your daily life, or trigger you emotionally?

See if this therapist works closely with a psychiatrist in case their will be a need for medication.

4. Pray! Wait patiently on God. Listen quietly for His directions.

God will help you. He will confirm in your spirit if you need to proceed with the counselor. He has a very special individualistic healing plan for your life. Follow Him closely and He will show you the right counselor. Do not rush. Wait on the Lord. God wants you to be healed, so He will guide you to the person He wants you to have as your counselor.

If you need help, make a comment. I will help you find resources. Also share you experience to help others.

Damaged - Not By Design

2011-04-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like damaged goods?

She will find her way - inside out!

I know. I understand. I have been damaged. I was abused as a baby, a toddler, a child, a tween, and a teen. I was damaged, but not by design, by being cruelly mistreated by my father, and watched by my fearful mother. Every day was a nightmare. I never could wake up from the fright. I lived on the edge of life, fearing death as much as life. No place was safe. I couldn't get out. No one came to rescue me. People pretended. They didn't want to see. They didn't want to hear. They didn't want to get messy. They didn't want to get hurt. People acted, following a wicked script, written parts for each to play. Lie. Deny. Hide. Pretend. Defend. It will one day end and go away........

For so long, I wanted to show a face of "healed"... that somehow by my healing I would reflect the glory of God... and if not healed I would bring disgrace upon His Holy Name. I failed so often, never quite good enough. Odd. Strange. Weird. Unusual. Never normal, or ordinary.... I was damaged.

You may have heard it before, I have.... "What good is your God if you are such a mess? Why doesn't God just heal you? Why do you keep stirring the past, let go, live in the present? God wouldn't....__________".

So by my response, or lack of response, I felt very responsible for God's Image, His Worth, His Glory.

Rightly so, in many ways, because I am a true follower of Jesus, one of His disciples... I wake up everyday with a heart intent to live life for Him, through Him, and to Him. But since He is truth, I must be real.

Jesus is truth. Such a simple short sentence that books could be written about those three words. Jesus is God. Need I say more, to know that we will never understand or imagine the limitless possibilities and wonders of God. And Truth... everything, every thought, every bit of energy, space and matter that is genuinely God-sourced. Again, truth can not be contained or ever known in its full to any person or generations of people. No one knows God fully.

But we can state - form words into statements that are undeniably true.

I am designed by God! I am His design. He formed me in my mother's womb. He allowed my conception. He knew my future. No surprising God - it can't be done. He is! And He knows all.

Jesus is truth.
I am designed by God.

As a child, a little innocent girl, I was damaged.... by child abuse. This is a statement of fact. It is true.

It can be erased away. Erase it all you want, it is still there.
It can't be put in a time capsule buried away. Burying child abuse just seeps it into every corner of life.
It can be forgotten. It is embedded in your soul, body and spirit.... you will remember when you least want to.
It can't be diminished by pretending it was not so bad, or discounted if people have survived.
It can't be retold in revisionist history.... only what you choose to remember or want to remember... what you can cope with, or how it must be remembered so that you can survive.
It can't be simplified, lumped into one block as though all the individual times of abuse don't matter.
It can't be compared, each person abused must be allowed their memories, their feelings, their damage. It is not like group memory is good enough for each.... group memory is often a whitewashed picture.
It can't be climbed like a mountain. One hurt at a time, one year at a time, each escalating, until one day it begins to ease into a downward walk never to cross the same path of abuse twice.
It can't be repackaged with a pretty bow. And passed around like a unifying gift, that no one dares to open or disturb, in fear of tipping the false sense of unity and security.
It can't be drank away, drugged away, wild-living away, spiritual-living away, spent away, eaten away, ordered away, horded away, laughed away, cried away, wished away, sung away.

Jesus is truth.

I am designed by God.

I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.

It happen! It is a fact that must be faced head on. I have learned to persevere through the reality of what happen, what damaged me, what caused me numbing pain.

Living in the future, or the present, doesn't re-write the past. Nothing can re-write the past. It must be faced and persevered through. There is an end to what must be persevered, but there is no shortcut, no easy fix, no painless way out.

Jesus is truth.

I am designed by God.

I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.

I will persevere through the result, the wreckage left by the abuse.

When a child has been damaged by child abuse, she must be given her time, her voice, her feelings, her steps, her pain, her way, her choice. Honor her, don't try to change her, conform her, reshape her, criticize her. Give her space, time, place... to be free to be who God created her to be.

As an uniquely created individual, a genuine priceless treasure, she deserves the right to find out who she is, what she needs, where her boundaries are, what she can do, and what she can't do. She needs to be heard. She needs to be respected. She needs to be protected. She needs to be supported to find her way.

God created each of us with an amazing ability to heal inside out. The child must be trusted to follow her instincts, to listen to the Spirit, and to walk her healing path. The abused child is fragile, delicate, damaged but in due time and by God's grace she will discover her God-given design.

Isaiah 39: 28-31:

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
         The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
         Does not become weary or tired.
         His understanding is inscrutable.
29He gives strength to the weary,
         And to him who lacks might He increases power.
30Though youths grow weary and tired,
         And vigorous young men stumble badly,
31Yet those who wait for the LORD
         Will gain new strength;
         They will mount up with wings like eagles,
         They will run and not get tired,
         They will walk and not become weary.

I was damaged by child abuse. I had grown weary and tired. I stumble badly. But I have learned to wait on the LORD! I do things His way, His pace, His timing. He orders my path. I will obey Him all the days of my life. All other voices fade away when He speaks my name. I hear His voice, He knows my name. His eyes follow me. He is always with me. I will never be alone.

By Him, I will gain new strength, I will mount up with wings like eagles, I will run and not get tired, I will walk and not become weary.... because I run to God, my Father, my Protector, my Sustainer, my Shield, my Provider, my "All-I-need" (the Great I AM).

Jesus is truth.

I am designed by God.

I was abused as a child, damaged by abuse.

I will persevere through the result, the wreckage left by the abuse.

I run to God!

He teaches me to fly, to be who He created me to be!

In His eyes, I am His child, precious in His sight, beauty to behold. I will rest in His presence.

God, Did You Allow This To Happen To Me?

2011-03-19T08:51:00.000-07:00

How many times have you heard it said "If God is a God of love, why did He let this happen?"

It seems every week we are seeing new tragedies of historic portions! How can so much pain and suffering be endured?

I look at the people of Japan, (calm, patient, disciplined people)... eight days after a 9.0 earthquake, 20 foot tsunami walls of water, a nuclear meltdown and can't help but wonder WHY?

We are increasingly seeing what some are calling the greatest disasters in the history of the modern world. It seemed just a short time ago tens of thousands of Haitians were dead, buried in the ruble of cement buildings that crumbled in an earthquake. Sadly, the news of war, riots and enormous disasters are getting worse, not better.

During times like these, it is not unusual for people who never consider God to asked God-sized questions: "How could this happen?", "Why did this happen?", and "Who can help these suffering people?" When people come to the end of their rope, they turn to God. However, this turning does not always mean they are seeking to know the Creator. Horrific disasters illicit anger and hinder one's belief in an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-capable God.

The same holds true for people who have been abused by those they should have been able to trust. The very ones who were to love and protect them, inflicted unspeakable wounds. It is impossible to recover from abuse and trauma without asking this question, "God, did you allow this to happen?"

It may not be those exact words. Many variations have the same meaning: "God, why didn't you stop it?", "God, how could you weave me in my mother's womb knowing what would happen to me?", "God, why did you give me those parents?", "God, why didn't you help me?", "God, how could you have watched?", or "God, where were You when I was being abused?" The questions are almost endless and difficult to hear.

Isn't this the big question that is so hard to answer? I cannot tell you how many times I have personally asked this. Not in a complaining, whining, poor me way, but in a honest searching quest of wanting to better understand God and my life.

First, you need to know it is not wrong to ask such questions. God created you. He knows your thoughts and feelings. He feels your joys and pains and wants to help you. He is not playing a big game in the sky just to see what might happen, and He is not too distant or too busy to care about each and every detail of your life.

From our earthly perspective we cannot understand how intricately God weaved all of the events of our lives into His purpose and our good. However, we need to ask the hard questions, and listen to the answers that can be found in the Bible. No one knows the mind of God. The only way we will ever be able to ever begin to understand is to turn to His Words, not people's thoughts or conclusions (however, sometimes people help us understand what God is saying through His word.)

This is one question the world can never answer. They can tell you it was not right or you should feel angry and hurt. They also can tell you the abuse is the cause of your suffering, but they can't make sense of how horrific traumas can be used for good.

God created humans with a very unique ability. Listen to the words of Joshua, "And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served...or the gods of the Amorites...But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15 NKJV). God made humans with the ability to make a choice, exercising a free will. We are not born under coercion, forced to obey God's principles like a programmed robot.

The person who abused you had a choice to make, just as each living soul does on earth. Romans 2:20 says, "For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, ..., so that they are without excuse...". No matter how they came to the point of abusing you, what happen to them personally or how they might have been poorly raised or abused, they are responsible for their actions.

And because we all have free will, God does not force any of us to stop doing evil. Likewise, He does not use coercion to make humans obey His will. God doesn't divinely manipulate an abuser's actions, just as He doesn't plot and control your daily actions. We were created with a freewill (the ability to choose) because God wanted us to choose Him out of love, not being compelled to obey Him but freely desiring to be reconciled to Him.

Even if your abuser was drunk or mentally ill, they were aware of the affects of their actions, when they awakened from their stupor or separation from reality. God sees everything, and He is the avenger of the abused. We, who have been abused, need to rest in the covering of an all-knowing, all-mighty God.

We should be assured that no sin will be left unpunished. God wants us to leave the punishment to Him. He will avenge for abuse. If the abuser confesses the sin in repentance, the abuser receives the atoning grace of forgiveness that is available to every living soul. We must trust God to justly deal with every sinner.

Our loving God redeems all evil, horrible acts of abuse committed against us, to be for our good by using each painful deed to transform our mind and to conform our heart to the image of His Son, Jesus Christ. This is how God can redeem the years stolen by the locus and work all things together for good to those who love God, to those who answer the call to His purpose in life. (NKJV Romans 12:2, Romans 8:28-29, Joel 2:25)

Redemption is the answer to this hard question. We are all wicked sinners apart from God's redemption; and it is only through redemption, that anyone can begin to understand healing available to everyone, even the perpetrators of abuse.

These hard questions arise even from the devastating power of natural disasters; all victims of horrendous tragedies need our prayers and to seek God's answers for complete restoration.

Only to looking to God can we make any sense of these questions. We can't just look though, we have to know Him, and this is not a casual glance. To know Him is to desire Him above everything else... even above our life itself. Healing will come and so will deeper understanding, but first we must walk out in faith, looking up into His eyes knowing He alone is trustworthy. He is the only source of all good, all health, all sanity... and there is only one way to enter into a knowing relationship with God.

We must become a disciple, a follower of, an imitator of, the Lord Jesus Christ. Oh, I know how cheesy that can sound when you have lived in a world the teaches lies or truth and truth is make-believe. But in the end, the choice is YOURS. There is nothing as real, solid, knowing or certain as Jehovah God... but only you can take your step of faith. I can't do it for you... not even God can do it for you.

You must wrestle with all you know, all you have been told, all that you sense in the deepest center of your being... if you seek God, you will find Him... and not in doubt, questioning your choice, but in sureness - knowing God will teach you and show you... how He will use what happen to you for good, for your good and for His glory. Only in His Kingdom can horror, tragedy and all wickedness be exchanged, transformed by His love, into joy, strength, blessings and goodness beyond compare.

Can you begin to see? Do you want to believe?

Are We Ever Finished Healing?

2011-02-21T20:12:00.000-08:00

Jesus said, "It is finished!" as he hung on the cross. But in life, when do we know when the process we are going through or the journey we are taking or the healing we are enduring ..... is finished? Is finished really the ultimate goal to seek?

Am I alive or dead? Am I realistic or idealistic? Am I truthful or hiding?

Will there ever be a time to take the last pill, never having to place another refill, never going to another doctor?

When do we say, "Goodbye, thank you for all you have done." to our counselor?

My question is....

"Are we ever really finished healing?"

I mean, isn't something always going to be wrong with our thinking, our body, our emotions on this side of heaven? I am more and more believing that we reach plateaus. We feel the crushing weight of needing help, we are exhausted, down, afraid, unsure, confused, overwhelmed.... but does this mean we are not well.

"It is Well With My Soul" was written and sung by a man that had lost just lost his wife and children .... I think this explains the God Worldview perspective of "how are you?". Truly we are doing so "well" in our soul but that doesn't mean nothing painful is happening or that we are sunshiny smiling.

So what is the point? It is personal, not generic. It is relational, not static. It is full - body, soul and spirit, not isolated to one part but whole.

God is the one to lead you along the way... the ebb and flow of high pressure challenging times and slow restorative rests. He knows what you need next. But God will never leave any one simply hanging, ideal, in a time of nothing-ness. Every moment is full of His powerful potential for transformation - it is up to us to remain and abide inter-active, embedded in Him.

When are you finished? When is healing done for you?

Flood of Ideas

2011-02-17T08:59:00.000-08:00

When going through intensive healing life is on hold, and therefore, so are many of your creative thoughts. After the bulk of healing has taken place, adjusting to living can be difficult, and adventurous at the same time.

One thing I have noticed is having a flood of ideas.

Handling The Flood of Ideas

It is like I am learning how to live again, without being so overloaded with pain/healing/overcoming, therefore my mind has a much greater capacity to think, experience, and imagine. Like learning to walk again after a serious injury, I am having to learn to open and close the flood of thoughts rushing to the forefront of my conscious mind.

Like a little child in a toy store, I want to experience it all... but as every mom knows when a room is overloaded with new toys I child can become exhausted and frustrated... even to the point of crashing in a pile upon the floor asleep or bewailing for no apparent reason.

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I have to say, so much I want to learn...

I don't want to completely turn off the flood, blocking it with a big steel door, to never be opened again. But I NEED to develop a filter of sorts, similar to a useful dam that is built to control the flow of water so there is not a flood of homes, businesses and farmland. Ideas are good, but not all are best and not all can be enjoy at the same time.

Going to God to order my thoughts is the best thing I can do, but even then I can feel pulled in many directions and overloaded with too much running around in my mind. It can be hard to focus on Him or to hear His voice over my own thoughts.

I have found writing my ideas down to be VERY helpful. In doing so, I can return at any time of my choosing ponder or consider the thoughts, but I get to decide when the timing is best.

After the rush of ideas are out of me and onto paper, I am better prepared to go before God and seeking him for direction. I am no longer so distracted by all the jumbling ideas bouncing through my head. When I start to feel overwhelmed with ideas at any point during the day, I do the same thing... write them down... just jotting the free flowing stream of consciousness word. It is not a time to organize or examine. It is simply a time to record the flow.

I am not a LIST person... I don't follow a list and check items off. For those who are it is great, but frankly, I loose lists, no matter what method I have tried, so everyone needs to do what they find best for themselves.

By doing this I can rest knowing there is always enough time to do what God considers the BEST, therefore I try not to stress over to-dos.

If I feel crushed or frantic, I know with certainty I am doing something outside my boundaries of responsibility or something I am not suppose to be doing that day at that particular time.

The way figure out what is wrong is to pray. Praying to God allows me to speak to Who really has my best at heart. When I follow His voice, I am in the right place doing what I must, and thinking about what I should for that precise moment.

This is a daily, frequent process, not a one time event.

Ps. 85:10 Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and peace have kissed.

Life After Trauma Healing - A Life Worth Living

2011-02-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

You were made for something more! There is LIFE after trauma healing! Your gut tells you that something is missing... it right. Believe it! The flame of your human soul will blaze with passion for being who you were before trauma came destroying your soul.

Keep Walking - Healed is a Life Worth Living.

Each abuse, each neglect, each ugly-hurtful-experience - ripped you, broke you, beat you a little more.... more than you could bare. The thought of healing is insurmountable... particularly in the midst of the thick of the pain.

Soak in this certain hope for your future.

I can't tell you how long it will be before you reach this point, but I can tell you with absolute assurance that if you continue on the path of healing personally designed by God (your creator) for you - this day will come.

This journey is not easy, but it is a life with a healing of the heart that is worth living. It is a spiritual journey as much as a mental, emotional and physical one.

My thoughts were random as I listened to a rap song on the radio. The artist was proclaiming his love for a girl and expressing how he would die for her... take bullet, stand in front of a train... etc. whatever. I thought for a moment while the song was playing. I knew inside my heart I would die for my child. Then I thought, "Jesus died for me. He loves me that much, like how much I love my child."

Freely drifting in thought, I thought about how for me, going through healing was like being able to die for my child. As I began I was pushing myself through for my children. I knew I wanted to stop hurting them, and become the mother I longed to be and I felt they deserved.

Healing is painful - I will not lie. There are amazingly beautiful moments, each time a piece of your soul is restored, you receive a cherished treasure that will never be taken away from you. What was once ugly is more than new, but it is one piece, one step, one part ... of the journey of your heart.

Slowly in the healing I grew to know and love myself to be determined to finish the healing for me, but that was not the original impetus.

Now the pain of healing is a faded memory, like the birth pangs of a mother before she holds her precious newborn in her arms. As she beholds, her child, she knows... it was worth it... And as the years, pass the pain of delivery diminishes to words tell a story, not intense real bodily feelings. The felt pain is gone, replaced by known pain and precious healing.

So don't give up on trauma healing. Life after healing is a new adventure awakened by God's tender touch deep within. It is a life worth living. I promise.

Welcome! To Any Who Are Visiting From Sisterhood of Beautiful Women.

2011-02-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

I want to quickly thank you .... Please ask any questions you may have and I will try to answer each one.

The post that describes the alters is available for your reading. Here you can read about each alter.

I feel you have just been exposed to so many varying topics about mental health, church response, levels of dissociation, and hope for healing through trained therapist.

I do recommend Dr. Daniel Siegel's personal website as a resource to finding a trained therapist.

Remember God is the hope and source for your healing. He has a plan especially designed for you.

Can Christians Hear Voices of Demons?

2011-02-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

This short and simple answer is YES!

I am only going to deal with voices pertaining to mental illness and Christians.

Most people, all people I know, who have the experiences of hearing voices and doctors have diagnosed a mental illness have abuse and trauma in their history.

When the brain is developing in a child, it is actually hardwiring, setting up pathways for chemicals and neurological firing.

One of two things can be happen and often both are occurring at the same time.

Christians can be Oppressed but not Obsessed by demons.

Spiritual - When sin is brought upon someone, and inherited generationally Satan has a foothold to enter with demonic activity. So spiritual prayer must be part of the healing. Demons must be renounced in your life but also in the life of your past generations... called out by name, and covered by the name of Jesus and His blood.
This is something you can do for yourself being a Christian (If you believe that Jesus is your Lord and Savior and you have a heart desire to obey God - you are saved, born again, his child forever) Demons can not be within a person who has the Holy Spirit but they can cling and oppress, not obsess.
Demonic voice are condemning, asking you to harm yourself or another, mean, hurtful, slashing, deceptive, plotting, pounce, beat down, suggest suicide or murder, degrading, etc.

Physical (Brain-Body-Neuro-biological - The brain has the a capability to split off into sectors to protect a child from dying or what is viewed as impending death. It is a survival mechanism that is innate. Sometimes a person can not even remember all the details or any of the abuse/trauma, but the brain is still segmented into what is called alters.
After a person has children, the age of their child can trigger the voices of these alters. (Many other things can trigger alters.) Each or any alter is not developed to hurt you, it was formed to save you for harm. A good therapist in neuro-brain therapy can help you work through these alters to help them resolve their reason for existing.
In therapy they can learn they are no longer needed but are very appreciated for helping. The alters integrate when they truly see they are no longer needed to protect - they have faithfully served their purpose.
Alters can have different voices of varying genders, ages, and pressing messages depending on their purpose for developing. Some alters can have negative messages but more often it is one of exaggerated concern, vigilance, fear, paranoia, pushy, obsessive, demanding, frozen, hateful, angry, bitter, broken, hollow, playful, hyper, silly, unrealistic dreamer, non-sense, laughter, not acting your age.

Daniel Siegel is a doctor who has written excellent books on this new type of therapy and his website provides providers by state.

You have hope, you can find healing. Press into Him, seek Him for step by step direction. God is the Master Planner of your specific order of healing. No two healings are similar.

Please comment if you have questions or if you need prayer.

Healing From Relationship that is Abusive

2011-02-01T18:38:00.000-08:00

Many people are abused in relationships. The abuse usually doesn't start immediately, but rears it ugly head in jealousy and control. These are two danger signs - walk away, run if you have to when you are in a relationship with someone who begins to show jealousy and control. The abuse may start verbal or maybe with a shove, a slap, a squeeze. Don't second guess your natural instinct - as soon as you feel you are being mistreated should say, "goodbye."

But how do you recover if you have been in an abusive relationship... here are some things to consider.

Abuse is not something you can just wish away like blowing the seeds from a dandelion flower or wash away like taking a shower after you have been digging in a garden. The seeds may fly for a moment but they will eventually land in your soul and the hurt will grow and show when you least expect it or want it. And the dirt may wash away on the outside but the painful marks are still on your inside.

God want to heal you from the inside out. Abuse is not something to ignore but to allow God to walk you through and He will show you how to persevere through all the ugly time you had with this abusive first guy. I want to caution you to make sure you are whole before you get deeply involved in a new relationship. Give yourself time to get to know God in a very personal way and for Him to heal the hurts you have experienced.

If you do, you will experience greater abilities to be who God created you to be and to be a more stable person to offer in a relationship. If you go to the websitewww.takerootandwrite.com you will read many articles about healing under the column Abuse and Trauma. If you still have questions, leave comments or come back and write here. There is a wonderful group of very supportive ladies there to walk with you.

You are so precious. I am so sorry you were treated this way. Forgiveness doesn't mean you will simply forget. Forgiveness is an act of your will, even if it doesn't feel like it. God will bring the result of forgiveness to heal your heart.

Take recovery in your pace. Don't compare yourself to others. You are worth the time.

Dismantling Depression

2011-01-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

Depression lurks, simply hanging around, waiting to pounce. Depressions desire is to cause you to drown. Depression attaches to your soul and quickly digs in. It refuses to be tossed away with a simple shake. Defeating depression is not a matter of willing it to disappear. Dwell on it and it will deepen its grip. Deny it and it will darken flourishing in your disbelief.

Depression must be dealt with head on, but not to magnify it by closely examining every feeling or thought. It is defeated only by taking positive active steps to dismantle its hold on you.

Move, Meditate, Make, and Meet to dismantle depression.

I never want to give false hope, so I will tell you there is no such thing is a 1-2-3 step process to deal with depression. Your remedy and timetable will be different from others, so you might as well stop comparing your progress to others. The basics of medical attention, medication, healthy meals are a must! After these basics are met, try some of these suggestions.

The suggestions I list are in no particular order of success and no suggestion is a perfect fit for all depression. These are ways I have discovered to dismantle and to defend against depression setting up permanent residence in my life.

Move - Sounds easy, but this can be so difficult when you are depressed. Get up! Get out! Get dressed! Get walking! Get rocking! Get crawling (if that is the best you can do....)! We all need to start where we can. Moving gets your blood circulating. It increases oxygen flow through your body. It burns calories. Moving gets you out of physical numbness. When you move, you begin to feel and sense your surroundings.... you recognize you are still among the living... you increase your thought processing because you take in new sights, sounds, and stimuli. You can even get wild and dance! (of course if nobody is looking!) The goal to moving is getting out of bed or off of the sofa!

Meditate - Now this is not a time to fall back to sleep. Actively meditate outward, not inward. One of my favorite places to do this is in nature. Simply walking out doors or rocking on the front porch helps me to focus outward. Ponder and think about the things you see. I love to walk over and touch the leaves, grass, wildflowers/weedflowers, trees, rocks and let my mind consider all that is created. Some people enjoy meditating to music. Listen to the words, consider the melody, imagine the song danced or acted out. Often reading a short devotion, quote, or verse will give you enough to consider a message or lesson deeply. Allow your thoughts to meander outward growing and expanding your mindset. Another great place to contemplate is in water - a warm soaking tub, a pool, a jacuzzi, even a shower. The reason to meditate is to break the cycle of repetitious, worrying or obsessive thinking and to focus outward and upward.

Make - You know what you enjoy doing. Normally we don't give ourselves time to create. You were made to be creative, making can awaken what is dying inside and give you an outlet to express your thoughts and emotions bottled up in a very positive way. No one is going to examine, check or grade what you make. This is a time for you to allow yourself to free up your child-like imagination. You can draw, paint, cook, craft, write, play music, sing, decorate, sculpt, etc. Awaken the desire to live in today by letting your hands get into messy, out-of-the-lines, the-sky-is-the-limit freedom to make whatever you heart desires. When you make something you awaken an inner desire to actively engage in the present.

Meet - Interaction with God and people are essential to living. You were created to be relational. Even if you simply go to a mall to see people or any other place were you would have an opportunity to interact. Sometimes it is too hard to set up a time to meet with someone you know, but even talking with a sales clerk is healthy. We all need to connect with others. It is not so much what we say or what we do, it is about remaining relational. If you can invite a friend for a casual cup of coffee or tea, do it. Go window shopping or meander with a friend in a bookstore. Check your newspaper and see if any local activities are planned. Frequently you can catch a play (local schools, community playhouses, city or state theaters), a book reading/signing, a class (yoga, birdwatching, cake decorating, art, Bible study), a meeting (historical, gardening, photography, or civic) or an event (like a art show or craft fair). The point of meeting is to break the isolation which is so often a big part of depression.

These ideas are just a beginning! I am sure you can suggest many more. You can dismantle depression, but no magic tricks can automatically stop depression. The most important advice I can give is to start somewhere... taking the first step is often the hardest.

What success have you found in dismantling depression? What step are you taking?

Depression - You Are Not Alone.

2011-01-28T21:39:00.000-08:00

Depression is common. Many people over their life experience periods of depression. It can take months or it can take years to recover. The reasons vary as much as the different shades of paint you could use to decorate a wall. And the depth varies in a wide range of hues.... deep dark ... medium or light.

It may feel like you are alone, but you are not!

But others, people who have been abused and traumatized, they may have to learn how to cope with depression for decades or even their entire life.

I know, I have had to do this.

Do you realize over 50% of all women have taken some type of anti-depressant or mood stabilizer medication in their life? YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Odds are many people you would NEVER suspect and who would never tell you have been on medication to help them with depression.

But this doesn't make your depression improve, just to know others experience. I know, I have had to deal with this also.

For those who live with unstable emotions a lot, it can be an endless cycle of ups and downs. That doesn't mean you are bi-polar... it just means when life gets stressed, when challenges, schedules, demands build - you are more apt to become emotionally unbalanced. It is not something you consciously control and it is not something you desire, but it is part of your life.

Facing reality is the first step to getting help and learning ways to cope. I am going to write next on ways to practically cope with depression, but I would like to hear from you. Do you have a way you cope with depression that might be able to help others? We will all be better for it, if we learn to share and help each other.

A Time to Heal

2011-01-05T13:13:00.000-08:00

So many people want a kind, cuddly, lovely-dovey, big-teddy-bear-in-the-sky-type-of-God. People want to be able to live without consequences and to continue on in anyway they want without ever been held accountable. They don't want to be punished or to pay for the wrong things they have done or do.

Think about it - Is it time?

The good news is God is not like that, and people can't get away permanently with what they have done wrong without facing the consequences and penalty for their choices. When you have been hurt by others, it is important to know they will be held accountable by God for what they did. It is not your job. It is God's! You can move quickly toward healing inside your own soul when you forgive and let the other person deal with God.

This can be hard to hear that you should forgive, but it really is a powerful way to stop dragging the person around that hurt you so much. Forgiveness breaks the chains the bind them to you. Forgiveness is the ax. You have to use it. You have to cut the person free from you .... not to get away... not to never pay... but to put them in God's hands.

Doesn't it help to know God is not going to be a "kind, cuddly, lovely-dovey, big teddy bear in the sky type of God"? We really need God to be Who He really is!

Many people are very familiar with the words of King Solomon scrolled during his massive no-financial-limit search for purpose to life.

"There is a time for everything, ans a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal..." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-3)

It is important to note that in writing "a time to kill" he was not referring to murder. Murder was evil. Taking another's life for selfish, purposeless, wicked reasons. "To kill" was a legally allowed part of judgement for very serious acts of disobedience to law.

Not only was he rich, but he was very wise - the wisest man to live up to his time, and possibly ever. Though he did not follow this wisdom to the end of his days in his own personal life.

Still we have his book, Ecclesiastes, a book of the Old Testament in the Bible. He wrote this book to tell of everything he tried to find meaning. He began...

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." (Ecclesiastes 1:2)

Life is not meaningless. Solomon also comes to this conclusion:

Here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgement, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14)

Start finding meaning in your life and freedom . Isn't it time to heal?

Have You Had A Close Encounter?

2011-01-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

Christmas is over, but it is still time to celebrate Christ! I know when you are hurting it is hard to celebrate, especially if you have experienced new abuse or trauma from holiday gatherings, but I want to encourage you to change your inner focus.

The wise man came after Jesus' birth seeking the new King who was prophesied by Micah (in the Book of Micah 5:2) "But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah, are not the least among the rulers of Judah; For out of you shall come a Ruler who will shepherd my people Israel." The wise men saw His star in the East and followed it to come to worship Him as King!

Who are you following? Who do you worship? 2009 is about to begin. Who is making the decisions for your life? What are your plans for this new year?
Worship involves surrender and sacrifice.

Romans 12:1 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service."

When you have a 'close encounter' with Jesus, your life is going to be forever different. (Note: It will be different, but hurting memories will not be immediately erased). Every living person has faith in someone/something, and also worships the object of her faith.

Who are you going to bow to this new year?

There are two conditions for salvation: 1) repentance and 2) faith. You can be a believer in Jesus and not be His follower. Have you turned from your sin and self (in repentance) toward Jesus (by faith)? When you truly meet Jesus, you will be changed! Everybody wants to go to "heaven" (to be saved), to have a life of happiness, love and peace. Not everyone wants to have a Lord or King telling her what she needs to do in her life. Are you calling the shots or is God?

A tree was created to be a tall, woody plant. God made trees with roots, leaves, fruit and seeds. He didn't give trees an aability to roam around the forest. Imagine how frustrated a tree would be if it tried to walk its entire life. A tree can only bring God glory by being what it was created by God to be - a tree.

We exist because God created us! Evolution is simply very bad science! Life is all about relationships, our relationship with God, and our relationship with others. We were created for this purpose, for a 'close encounter' with God and other people! If you don't have a relationship with God, you will live a frustrated life. Only God can help you learn to live in right relationships to Him and other people. We all need need His help!

God is always working and moving to bring people of all Nations to Him! You can be religious and not have or know God. It is easy to slip into comfortable religions of the World. A 'close encounter" with God is different from finding religion. Each time you come into the presence of Jesus you will leave changed.

Maybe you had a 'defining moment' at a church camp where you walk up and tossed a stick into a fire, or you walked down a church aisle to shake a ministers hand and share your tearful heart. You could be baptized, a lifelong church member, a spiritual thinker, or even someone who gives time and money to a "god"; but know this truth, if you didn't leave your experience completely (180 degree changed), you didn't have a real close encounter with the One true God.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God".

The Christian walk is one of faith. You follow what you know, what God has revealed to you about Him. When you follow, you respond in obedience, rightly, to what God calls you to do. You trust in the truth God has given you. Your walk of faith has consistency and determination.

God never once promises that your life will be easy, full of happiness, good times and lots of money. He does promise that He will provide for you completely, that He will give you enough of His grace to endure anything he allows you to experience, and so many other wonderful riches too numerous to list.

When you live through dark times, walk through the valley of death, have faith and be willing to share your burdens! God is with you, and He will bring people into your life to help you carry your burden to Him. Don't doubt in darkness what Jesus revealed to you in His light. Delight in the things you know to be true, and also in the fact that you will NEVER understand everything that happens in life.

Rest in knowing that God will never leave you nor forsake you. He will lead you, and direct your path. The path you took to come to God is not the one you will leave on. God will have you return a different way, just like He divinely warned the wise men in a dream to depart from visiting Jesus for their own country on another way. Be still, seek, and follow the way God is leading you today.

Can I Be Healed?

2010-12-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

Just yesterday I spoke with a dear friend, Beth. "Do you have time to talk?" "Sure, I am home alone and have nothing to do. What do you need?" began our conversation.

Beth had called me 4 days in a row. Each day, she sounded very low, like she has been crying. She told me she just wanted to hear my voice. Yesterday when she called, I was on my way to Target so I told her I would buy her one of those cards that I could tape a message and give it to her, that way each time she needed to hear my voice she could push the button. Beth assured me it would not be the same.

Day after day, I listened and encouraged her for about 5-10 minutes. She didn't feel she needed to share any details. Beth thought I may guess the person she was struggling with and didn't want to be talking about another. I appreciated that and told her I could still listen and encourage without knowing details or name.

Yesterdays call was different. When she called, she was ready to share....matter of fact, she was desperate. "I don't think I am going to make it," she stated repeatedly. "I don't think God can heal me. I am not going to make it."

I assured her with Truth. "Of course, God can heal you. His name is Jehovah-Rapha, the Lord who heals. Healing is what He does. It is His character to heal."

Gradually, she shared details of a difficult relationship. She gave no names and she didn't need to... before she started in deeply I shared with her that God has given me a wonderful gift. "I don't remember what people tell me. I have been told all kinds of deep secrets and I simply forget them. Not in an uncaring way, but in a way that I do not attached it to them. When the conversation is over the details are gone." This is such a blessing to be able to see people as they are today, not as they were before.

This helped her to know she was safe to share. A teacher of her child had left the class without a substitute two different days. Beth felt the board should be made aware of the situation. She was concerned for her child, and for the responsibility of the teacher to the class.

We are both licensed and certified teacher. We understand that teaching is a profession and a teacher has a responsibility to get a substitute if she is not in class. The tutor has been paid to teach and the children deserve a class, especially since they only go to the home school tutorial once a week. I could appreciate her frustration.

Beth shared that she had spoken openly in her car with her child about the situation and another parents' child was in the car. She decided to go to the board of the tutorial with her concern, and pleaded with the board to not tell that a parent had complained. The board discussed the situation with the teacher but also brought up that a parent had come to them. The student in the car that overhead her comments also went to the teacher and told her that Beth was frustrated with the situation.

The worst possible thing happen! This relationship carried history, and this teacher had a personality that did not forgive and forget. The teacher was all upset because she felt "her friend" turned on her by going to the board, instead of just taking to her. Beth was afraid to go to the teacher because the relationship had previously been toxic to her. It had shadows of past hurtful relationships, and it was condemning and controlling.

The simple situation had turned into a big major ordeal. The teacher's husband called Beth to see if they could meet as couples to see if the problems between the two "friends" could be resolved. Beth put up a safe boundary and said, "No." She has already been working through the death of her sister to cancer and a very painful relationship situation that occurred with her living sister during the illness of their dying sister. Beth has been in a deep valley for the past two years, and didn't need to carry any more burdens.

God lovingly gave me the right questions to ask, when she told me that she felt guilty. "What was in your heart when you went to the board? If it was clean, you have nothing to confess, but if you wanted the teacher to get in trouble, to get caught, you need to confess it to God. You don't have to ask God to forgive you for properly going to the board about the situation, but you need to confess to God your heart issues." Immediately, Beth started to pray aloud asking God to forgive her. She is a precious soul who loves the Lord. I could hear her genuine desire to have her heart right with God.

God gave me Bible verses to pray with her. (Philippians 2:14-15, Romans 12-12, Psalm 37:5) "Lord, I pray for my dear friend. Lead her to commit everything she does to You, Lord. May she trust You and know You will help her. She is to live a clean, innocent life, as your child, a child of God. In this dark world full of crooked and perverse people, let her life shine brightly for You before them. I pray, Lord, that she will be joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer."

After the prayer, I could hear a real relief in her voice. I shared with her that in the Bible when God tells us to bear one another's burdens it can be two different ways. We are to be able to place our self along the side of our friends and stand up firm like a tomato stake helping to support the weight they are carrying. We are also to be able to offer to take the load of the burden on like we are a dump truck. After the person unloads onto us we are to carry the load away from them and take it to God. I offered both of these supports to her. Beth wanted me to carry with burden away, so I prayed to do this.

I thanked her for allowing me to minister. She shared how she was so grateful that I was available. I reminded her that God had just recently asked me to stop being in different ministry programs and to be available to minister when he brought people my way. Beth laughed a little and told me that she had been praying for me to not be doing so much. She felt God wanted me to stop being so busy. She confided that she only felt able to call since I was not so overwhelmed with pressures in my life.

This reconfirmed God's words to me a few weeks ago. It is good to not be too busy to be a listener, a comforter, and a friend.

Are you thinking that you may not make it? Do you believe that God can heal you? Are you desperate enough to call out to Him, Jehovah Rapha, the Lord Who Heals? He is able, and willing.

He has the Truth of His Holy Word, which He calls the Balm of Gilead. His Word is medicine for your soul. You need to allow God to apply it to your wounds. Jesus came to heal those who are sick, those who need the Great Physician.

Do you need to be healed? If so, He is waiting right this minute for you to come to Him.

I Take Medication - Do You Think Less Of Me?

2010-10-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

As a writer, my experiences are my best material for articles. Writing helps me reflect on what happen, what was said, why I felt and what to do about it. Writing helps me process life. Some people paint. Some people run. Others create music, while others industriously make something purposeful or work. Me - I write.

I have had a crushing exchange with someone I had developed a deep-level of trust. I guess all relationships have a moment to peak at a crisis of "well, let me tell you what I really think about you" crescendos. But real life doesn't happen like a good fictional plot for a NY Bestseller... sometimes it just drifts off into nothingness... no all tidy conclusion... no clear ending... no happily ever after or alien invasion to whisk one of us away.

I Need Help!

Each person who has experienced child abuse will find a path to healing if they seek it. For many, especially those who desire or need therapy, medication will be a must. When trauma is pulled up - not to dredge up nor to stay in the past - but when it is allowed to surface that it may be transformed from hellacious pain to gift, blessing or treasure... you must be on medication to remain stable. Medication is often a very important part of the cycle to end child abuse.

I take MEDICATION. That is my weakness, my unwillingness to take life by the horns and wrestle it down to be tame to my command. I take medication. It is my cop-out of facing reality... a way for me to be a perpetual pitiful victim. I take medication. It is not like I work for a living. I can afford the privilege life of sitting in a chair and rocking a pink stuffed bunny. I take medication. A sign of my refusal to go to God and lay my burdens at His feet and walk away dealing with life. I take medication, therefore I am less of a person, less than what I could be, less spiritual, less strong willed, less in reality.... I am just less.

This previous paragraph is not the truth I live by but it is the slashing comments I have battled.

So why do I stand firm and hold ground, defending my need for chemical pills called medicine?

People who take medication have a reason unless they take a sugar placebo. Medication is made by scientist working for companies to produce products to limit symptoms and help resolve problems with a person's body.

You can here my testimony on youtube with this link:

Testimony of Taking Medication

After years of medication, ten or so, I know that I MUST take medication to be stable, to be the mom/wife/friend God created me to be, before I endured 18+ years of child abuse filled with torture, neglect, and treatment dealt out to prisons of war or concentration camp victims. I understand my brain did not develop normally, the neurological pathways did not grow, the neurons and connectors don't properly send the normal amount of chemicals. The memories are blocked up in sections of my brain causing trauma triggers, memory loss, unusually responses and rushes of adrenalin beneath my willful choice.

I do not chose to have mental, emotional, physical effects as a result of horrid child abuse. If I didn't need medication I would certainly not take it. I have done my share of time getting stable on the right blend and level of medications. And I have lived through crisis of emotional breakdowns when I have tried to change my medication, lower my doses, trying to get myself off, or miss taking my medication by accidental forgetfulness. Not only do I pay the price, but my precious children and husband suffer when I am not on my medication and stable.

Ten years ago when I began this journey of getting psychological and psychiatric help, my driving force was to become a mother and wife that my family deserved. I went on medication for my children and husband. I didn't want to take medication at first. I cried and cried for 45 minutes in my doctors office, until he helped me understand it would help me become more stable.

I cried, and prayed. I am a women of faith, a daughter of Jehovah God. I sought Him for direction and healing and learned over the years that life is not about getting well, getting healed...real life is about knowing God and making Him known for others to share a genuine unconditional, loving, personal relationship with Him. So if God chooses to zap me in an instant with a "be healed" moment, I would praise Him! But if He chooses to not and allows me to be stable with medication, I still praise Him!

What has your experience with medication been? Do you have understanding of those who must take medication?

Suicide Cries Out of Darkness

2010-09-12T11:32:00.000-07:00

God created us with a will to live. Survival naturally flows from our innate instincts. No sweet innocent child wakes up one morning seeking for ways to die. Children burst with energy and curious quest for living life to its fullest. Suicide grows out of darkness that surrounds experience of assault, trauma and abuse. Suicide grows exponentially in our society since it teaches in a godless vacuum with no true hope.

Yes, "Hope" popularized as the new magically word to be the answer to all the problems, but a word is empty, meaningless and dangerous when the focus of the hope is a person, program, or political party. Young people despair when they reach out for the promised hope and it is nothing but hot air.

It didn't take me long as a youth to realize most adults and people in authority were clueless about how to really help someone that was suffering from the internal bleeding of daily child abuse. Wrapping me tightly with band aid solutions did little to rescue me from the hell-hole I lived in.

If you are going to help people who are in crisis being traumatized by the very people who are suppose to protect them, requires someone who is willing to get dirty. Healers get into the nasty mess of mind, heart, and spirit that is already in the process of dying a slow agonizing death. Platitudes wound as deeply as the abuse.

So, what effective measures can be taken to bind up the brokenhearted, to heal the sick and set the captives of Satan free? Apart from the power of God through the indwelling and fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit, all efforts vainly identify the symptom, but give hollow hope with no lasting results. God is clear that it takes someone who has suffered to minister to those who suffer. God can take a healer to deep levels of suffering, even to experience vicarious trauma, to work through the answers to bring someone on the edge of suicide to safety.

If you are sensitive to God moving in the lives of others, hurting people will pass in and out of your life that are suicidal. When we open our hearts to help hurting people because we have been blessed to know God's healing power, we make contact with suffering people.
It is my strong belief that unless you have finished healing, taken professional classes in how to treat clients in therapy, or been called and empowered by God that you should refer someone who is suicidal to a more qualified person. It is OK to be part of a support group, but it is not a good idea to be a long-term (or even short-term) counseling-type friend to someone who is not emotionally stable. Suicidal people are like a wild, frightened non-swimmer caught in a deep ocean. If you don't have your life-safety gear, you can get pulled into their drowning waters.

Frankly, anyone in their own raw healing stages of abuse are too deeply consumed by their own healing and are in no position to help another wounded person without inflicting more pain on wounds not yet healed. Also it is very easy for the trauma of another to trigger you into your own trauma spin. In the end you have hurt your own ability to progress in healing and along with often hurting your own family who has to watch and experience your crash or setback.

Let the healthy Christians handle the sick. Be available as a resource for those ministering, but don't take on any person yourself. Being a resource is a great way you can help others who are suffering from depression, dissociation, cutting, addiction and suicidal thoughts. While you are not directly working with the person who is despairingly crying out for help, you can minister powerfully by being a coach to those who are called to minister in emergency crisis situations, like suicide.

It is so easy for an unstable person to be emotionally dependent. It can become a barnacle relationship, once this overly dependent person attaches to you it can be so difficult to get them off. And in the process they can weigh you down or drag you into a direction you do not need to go. Even trained healers need to step back and set firm boundaries identifying a wide array of "go-to" support for a fragile soul.

Suicidal desires are driven by demonic suggestions trying to convince the delicate child (regardless of age) that everyone would be better off if they were not living. Suicide is not an act of selfishness - this is a deceptive lie of the enemy. Most people who think about suicide conclude that they are a burden on those they love and they are desperately trying to find a way to stop hurting people they care about.

Instead of it being selfish, demonic voices have convinced them that taking their life would be the best solution. Clearly Scripture says that we love our self, even to the sinful point of being selfish. God tells us to treat our neighbor as ourselves. He also tells spouses to care for their beloved or a way to put yourself first. While there are people who cry wolf with repeated suicidal attempts, they really are begging for help, because they see no way to healing or victory.

God is always the answer for the hopeless, because He is faithful and worthy of being our source of all hope. He is Jehovah-Jireh able to provide for all of our needs. He is Jehovah-Nissi walking before us with a banner of protection and righteousness. He is El Elyon leading the fight against the darkest of enemies. But most of all to a crumbling hurting person, He is our unconditional, full of grace and forgiveness Daddy, our Abba Father! When a hurting child realizes that their Abba Father will hold them even in the deepest quicksand of life's storms, she will have the mustard seed faith necessary to hold on to life, and reject the enemy calling her to death.

Victory Lap

2010-06-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago God told me that I was entering a new season in my life. He simply said, "This season is your Victory Lap." I happily thought, "Wow! I am coming to the end of the healing season. Finally!" But also tempered my excitement with the thought of knowing almost ten years of healing could translate into a year or more in the "Victory Lap" season.

(A separate post about prayer and fasting will be coming another day, due to its powerful and pivotal effect on my healing. It deserves a post of its own. So stay tune for that one.)

I committed several Fridays to pray and fast to help spiritual accelerate and sever anything still clinging me to the abuse and trauma of my childhood.

When I went to my counseling session we turned it over to God, and let Him do His work. God showed up in a huge way. (This session is also such a milestone in my healing, I will do a separate post on just the session telling all that took place during the brainspotting/EMDR therapy.)

God moved quickly taking me to a point of closure in my garden with my alters. At the end of the session, I knew therapy had entered a new season. And then I remembered God's words to me, "This season is your Victory Lap!"

Not being a race car fan, it didn't register with me at first what a "Victory Lap" really meant. After this therapy session, flying high with relief, I recalled what a Victory Lap was in racing. The Victory Lap is the celebration lap with winner of the race takes. The winner drives the car around the track for all the racing fans to cheer and congratulate.

Now, my face broke into the biggest and widest smile that went deep into the core of my being. "I get it!" God is telling me - I have won the good fight! The final days or months of tying up the lose end will continue to leave no junk around to stumble over but my healing season is now my victorious winning season. It is time to celebrate the win with God, and all others who have walked this road with me.

The next Saturday sitting on my back deck God told me two very meaning statements. He said, "It is finished" and "Well done, My good and faithful servant"! Joy rushed through my body, spirit and soul. I could breath deeply, a total cleansing breath, of knowing the "Victory Lap" is the sweetest season of life I have yet experienced.

Of course, my journey is not over. In many ways I a just beginning to live life as God initially intended for me.

Thank you for following me in this long road to recovery.

Gratitude is a Healing Outlook

2010-05-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

Everyday we have a choice about our attitude. It doesn't matter how much we physically or emotionally hurt. We still have an ability to choose the lens we will view our past and present life through.

Simple times, like Dawn, God uses to call us to worship and glorify Him instead of turning inward and dwelling on pain and suffering. I am not saying to go around pretending, no I totally believe in being real. What I am saying is to never remove God from the picture of what you choose to perceive!

Enjoy this video on "Hearing the Dawn"

New Blog for Inside View of Mental Illness

2010-03-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

I have started a new blog for my inner self to have a place to share when I am unstable. While I know I can put these posts on this blog, Abuse and Trauma Hope, I try to keep this blog more informational, and able to appeal to a wider audience - both inquisitive, seekers, mental health professionals and like-minded people who are survivors of abuse.

While I originally began this new blog for my own personal record of trying to understand when I was hurting, suffering from alters and instability...I long to reach out and share with those who seek to go deeper into a soul seeking wholeness after being tortured and traumatized in severe child abuse.

So, if you care or if you dare, here is a link into the inside thoughts of a wounded soul: Shattered Glass Life Blog. And if you do happen by this site, leave a comment....it is encouraging to know when even your lowest points of your life can be meaningful, useful, and glorifying to God.

Setting up Therapy for Alters

2010-02-28T19:52:00.000-08:00

Many months ago, we had a therapy plan. I have a slight laugh at myself now so many therapy session later. Newsflash: Therapy is not easy territory, and never what you expect.

It was our plan but truly does anyone know how to plan when they trek into uncharted territory. Did Lewis and Clark know what path to take or how to deal with a Grisly when they had only seen a brown bear? Explorers have to walk by faith, which is easier when you have a relationship with the One you have faith in.

In my second week of therapy, extended in time for the purpose of helping all my alters, DID personalities, come together, I keep the faith. I meet my counselor for the purpose of finding needs for all alters, and the hope to finally making an agreement between them to allow me to live my life. At least this is what I have been told may happen in the process. Me, being my core self - Lindy, my 46 year old adult self wants to finish therapy one day.

Seven years is longer than any therapy deserves. I know, the end is not the lesson but the journey is what I need to cherish, but I am too real to pretend this is comforting all the time. How long must I keep walking this road by faith? When will it ever end?

I want to be able to make decisions and function full-time without being controlled by an alter. So, in therapy, we are going to let the alters know that they will all be taken care of and every need addressed but that it would be best for everyone, and especially Lindy, my adult self, if they would wait until therapy time. (haaa haaa haaa, what a joke, like the alters might just listen...it is like trying to control a preschool class by offering them anything they want in an ice cream parlor before they go to bed. good luck!)

This therapy process is to be a very careful process and something you may not fully comprehend or understand. Don't worry, most doctors don't understand it either. That should give you a light-hearted deep breathe .... you are not alone. I have found it very helpful to pray before a session asking God to have His way. It helps me to trust someone great than me is in control of my healing.

If you have been though abuse and trauma, and struggle with hearing voices or changing personalities or various stages of maturity, you may have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or at least some type of dissociative disorder. Not all people who have been through abuse and trauma develop this disorder, a mental illness that evolves to help a child cope with severe repeated abuse especially in tender developmental years of early childhood.

So, let me explain a little about what has been taking place. I share to let people know that this type of therapy is available and also for others to be able to identify or understand so they don't feel so isolated. You are not the only one struggling with these problems, and there is great help for healing for child abuse survivors! Even though I am crushed on days when I least expect it.

I worked with my wonderful counselor last week on setting up the secret safe place for everyone to feel safe to enter the same time and space for a meeting. God led me. I didn't need to come up with something on my own or take a suggestion from my counselor. I simply put on the biolateral CD music headset and watched the place develop.

If you have been following me in my therapy and my healing at all you would know that it would, of course, be a garden place. What I delight about this space is that God led me around showing me everything that was there....and His creativity is endless and perfect.

From a creek with sitting stones, to a rose vine climbing an arch above a bench swing, to butterflies and birds fluttering around, to a cottage front porch with rustic wood rockers and to bubbles and a sandbox...He thinks of everything!

Here in this garden is a special safe place for all of my alters to hopefully find healing...and I will enjoy seeing where each go to feel comfortable.

As this session came to a close, Father God placed a ring on my finger. It was a gold color, more a yellow stone similar to a yellow diamond. I wondered why...why He has never done anything like this before. Father God told me the ring has special ability...He tells me to touch it any time I need Him. It will be a reminder that He is with me and that I am deeply loved.

Coming together in therapy is not going to be easy, but God is laying the ground work to give me all that I will need...

Of course, He is what I need.

Healing Alters - Bringing Selves Together

2010-02-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

My therapy sessions over the past few months has focused on bringing the alters together. This is not a self-directed or simple process. Each alter develops in severe abuse and trauma to serve a purpose - each is needed to survive and get through the experience, especially if like me, the person still had many years to endure the abuse.

The first alters that came forward for healing and surrender. Each revealed a specific need that could easily be met. Therapy for these divided parts of my soul was more like watching a musical play. The alters were very expressive and imaginative, excited and longing to be transformed. For example, Tina, the young girl that lived in a frozen state dramatically told her story as a mime. When she finished her throat opened to a full operatic song of overflowing purpose and joy. It was exciting and beautiful to behold. Experiences like these are treasures to my soul, gifts from God turning horror into delight. Only the one true God could do this.

Yesterday's session, though, was quite different. The alter that came forth for healing was the pushy-controlling young lady. She flies into action the moment she see injustice or feels disrespected or not listened to. She is so set on being fully understood and acknowledged, and will push people and situations to the breaking point to have her needs met. This alter has destroyed many friendships and other relationships for me. Coming to my defense, she has frequently squashed people, unaware of her overbearing, pressing methods to get results.

She pushed her way forward, wanting to be next .... but after the initial selfish desire of getting her way, she didn't want to surrender any position or control. She was very mistrusting and resistant to change. How could she count of me to take care of life crisis and threatening situations when I had never in the past? How did she know I wasn't going to blow it and cause us all to get hurt more?

It was then that I sensed she was caged, locked, stuck in her position and unwilling to give. Therapy was at a standstill.

It is at times like these that I am so grateful to have Father God with me as I process. I look to Him to take the lead and make suggestions, to intercede and meet needs. But still, no one is forced to do anything. God is never into forcing people to obey. We must always make our own volitional decisions - we have a free will - we are not puppets or robots.

As He instructed Warrior Angels to surround her facing outward to protect, He filled the circle with His beautiful illuminant warmth. The cage began to melt and as it did it was purifying into gold and pouring into the shapes of a shield and sword. This alter would need to enter spiritual warfare, it was not a simple transition as some of the others.

But I sensed in my being that I was spiritually weak and unable to do the work this session needed. That is when God reminded me of how the session began with Him walking me through the forest, taking the lead and pointing out the places of caution as He used a rod to make a pathway for me to follow Him and learn. He taught me that I haven't been walking as closely to Him as I had all the years I so desperately needed Him to survive each day. And due to this, I was not spiritually prepared to continue the session because my fellowship with Him had been weak.

I understood and knew the work of this current session of therapy had come to its completion. I knew I needed to spend time strengthening my core self in the presence of the Lord before I was able to do the work needed in therapy to help this alter integrate.

I am grateful that God doesn't grade us on how well we preform. I was not punished for not being steadfast in my quiet time with Him, I did suffer though. I could not progress in my therapy. It would take longer for me to be healed. I am thankful God allows provides a way for me to return to Him in deep fellowship surrounded by His unconditional love. As I come to Him, He will fill me, and strengthen my ability to be more fully surrendered to His power. He alone will enable me.

Dear friend, if you are reading this and you know firsthand what I am saying... if your soul cries out to be whole, run into the arms of Jehovah, the one true God. He alone is the Great Physician, to source of real healing. He loves you dearly and wants to set you free.

Snow Drops Softly

2010-01-07T18:26:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my life that I could not feel. I didn't know what feelings were. I didn't want to know. Now I feel. Sometimes it can be as though I am living a lifetime of experiences in a concentrated dose.

How does one start living, feeling, after not for so long? Is it ever possible to normalize...to stabilize...to fully function?

I can delight in the joys of childhood in the body of an adult as first time experiences, but I can also overwhelm like a toddler that is over stimulated without a needed nap. Balance is the key.

Edgy. Drifting. Rushing Thoughts.

Interest. Doing. Creative Drive.

Learning. Hearing. Seeing New.

Hurting. Feeling. Coming Loose.

Darting. Unstable. About to Cry.

Seeking. Touching. Being Alive.

Distant. Cautious. Wanting to Fly.

Random. Instinct. Trust My Gut.

Caring. Listening. Words of Love.

Tiring. Spinning. Colors Burst.

Doubting. Knowing. Clenching Jaw.

Empty. Lonely. Biting Lip.

Deeply Breathing. Take a Sigh.

Calming. Jelling. Ragdoll limp.

Someone. See Me. I am Here.

Never Normal. Never Fear.

Living Life to Its Full.

Uncover Secrets. Learn to Laugh.

Sing a Song. Hold a Hand.

Snow Drops Softly on the Ground.

Beauty. Softness. Purity.

Did You Hear Me? Did You Know?

I am Living, Warm and Cold.

The Midnight Hour

2010-01-01T06:21:00.000-08:00

January 1, 2010

I don't know about you, but I stayed up until about 11 pm. Nothing in my being wanted to be there when the ball dropped on TV. Really everything in me didn't want to be there when the New Year rolled in at Midnight.

I am very grateful for my husband that stayed up until after midnight with our teen boys. At midnight they ate oven baked chocolate chip cookies and sparkling red grape juice. I wish I could be part of such a celebration, but for some reason, still unknown to me, I shrink back at a new year's celebration.

We did go to an early dinner at 5 with a dear couples and had lots of fun. I got to dress up and feel lovely, like an adult instead of a mom. We were home by 7. We both have teens and wanted to go home to them.

This year I have been able to do a little holiday trauma therapy. So much was uncovered from just Thanksgiving and Christmas, I don't think I can handle opening up New Year's Eve "secrets" still held in my subconscious effecting my behavior but protecting my present functional sanity.

I am learning to pace myself. When I first started trauma therapy I jumped in deep, trying to uncover all that I could. Pain and suffering made me want to go deeper to discover the cause and root it out. Now I deal with these "uncomfortable" or "unusual" barriers much differently.

I take my precious time, making sure I don't overload my present life, with trauma of the past. I want to be present with my husband, children and friends. It really keeps me able to be involved and to enjoy my blessings, such as:

A supportive husband who is learning to be more involved, when I am less
3 teenage children who are growing up quickly and a joy to spend time with
Friends that want to be with me, to share, to listen, to grow, to laugh
Co-workers in pursuit of ministering through writing and speaking
Love opportunities, like opening our door to a wayward teen with no place to sleep for the night.

These are all reasons for being vigilant to listen carefully to my body, mind and spirit to pace my therapy. It is not about "getting finished" it is about "finishing strong"!

Blessing to you this new year. Feel free to share what you did for New Year's Eve and how you are pacing your therapy or anything else on your heart.

Holidays Hurt

2009-12-31T06:19:00.000-08:00

More Than Decorations & Glitter

I wrote this as an article for a magazine that didn't get published this year. It is the perspective of Your Father God speaking to you and anyone who will listen. He shares His heart about the hurting people he sees during the holidays.

He addresses anyone who believes in Him as Dear Child. If you have never heard Him speak before or even if you think you have but are not sure, listen to how He loves you and others through this letter I wrote thinking about what He would want to say to us, His children.

Dear Child,

Do not be afraid. Be aware that holidays are horrible for some people. The sad reality of a fallen and depraved world is that for many dear children Christmas, like other holidays, is not merry.

My faithful daughter, you know the peace and grace from Me and My Son your Lord Jesus Christ. You share wonderful love for your family and friends, and, all of this is good! But also, attuned to others. Particularly those who do not seem to have your faith and hope. In a longing follow memorable family traditions, it is not easy to perceive those about you that are hurting.

These precious souls need to know the hope I have prepared for them, which you heard in the Word of the truth of the Gospel. The good tidings that needs to be heard during Christmas is the living hope through the life, death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which is for all people.

So, as you walk be aware of those who look tired, frazzled, angry, or withdrawn, take the time to draw near to them. Listen for Me to tell you what is needed. Remember I am always with you. If you pause from what you "need to do" you can hear My still small voice telling you what is really needed.

People are more precious present, decorations, and baked treats which simply perish with time. My inheritance you received is incorruptible; it does not fade away; and it is reserved in heaven for you. Those grieved by various trails need to know they can rejoice greatly, even in the midst of horrible pain when they have genuine faith in Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

This faith is more precious than gold or any gift under a tree that perishes. Faith that is tested through fire purifies and will be found full of praise, honor and glory.

You believe, yet you have never seen Jesus, yet in believing you rejoice with inexpressible joy which is full of glory. Share with those who are suffering, knowing gifts and parties are nice, but the true gift, the genuine gift, needed at Christmas is not in a wrapped up in a bow. Being reconciled to Me, you know peace regardless of life's sufferings.

Share this precious mystery that was hidden from ages and generations, but now is available for everyone to know that their hearts may be encouraged, knitted together in love, and able to attain all the riches of knowing Me.

I treasure you! You are complete in Me. Merry Christmas!

Support Needed for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

2009-12-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

Exchange Club Family Center (http://www.nationalexchangeclub.org/) helped me tremendously several years ago with the in-home social worker who came one hour a week. I learned so much, was able to see shortcomings and developed better relationship skills with my children. Two years ago I spoke at a Wednesday Child's Fundraiser Dinner for Nashville Center. It was a highlight of my life to thank and explain what a blessing this organization is to me and other families.

Now that I have "graduated" the program, there is a gap in support for adult survivors of child abuse that I have not been able to find with any child abuse prevention organization. Organizations help children and women in current abuse situations get resources and support.

They step in:

helping parents who are at risk for abusing their own children,
teaching parenting skills,
providing programs for divorce families,
finding resources for adults of child abuse who abuse substances or who are repeating the abuse cycle, and
providing educational awareness to the public for prevention of child abuse.

While all these are wonderful and needed, I have not been able to find support is for adult survivors of severe child abuse that are functional but still very needy. These adults are working very hard to not repeat the abuse cycle, attending private therapy, going to doctors for necessary support medication, trying to establish a healthy home-life with memorable traditions, love and a sense of "normalcy".

The problem is adult survivors of severe child abuse struggle very frequently with mental illness as a consequence of being repeatedly abused at a very young age over an extended period of time and in a life-threatening situations by people who are suppose to be caregivers. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Disorder, Identity Disorder, and severe anxiety and depression are some of the most common illnesses.

These adults also do not have extended family for support such as parents, grandparents, aunts, etc. Any family know how important extended family is to enriching the lives of children and to meet needs for encouragement or a loving helping hand. We all do things for our "family" that we would never do for others. Adult survivors of child abuse don't have this stabilizing network.

Simple things like homemaking, holiday traditions, daily scheduling/planning, follow-through and relationship skills are not simple for adult survivors of child abuse because of frequent flashbacks, detatchment, depression, anxiety, memory triggers/reemergence, hyper-vigilance, and other symptoms that are very common among adult survivors of child abuse. Here is a link for more medical information (http://www.realmentalhealth.com/dissociative_disorders/symptoms_01_3.asp). This entire site is full of detailed information on what is common for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse.

I have also found a support network that is visited from around the world of survivors of child abuse (http://childabusesurvivor.ning.com/). It was formed by someone who was abused; and it is visited by people who need encouragement, and a place to be honest and real about their story and struggles. While this site helps us know we are not alone, it can not meet any hands on needs.

I am a writer of a bi-monthly article on a digital magazine (www.takerootandwrite). The column is Abuse and Trauma, Hope and Healing. I am blessed to be able to minister to others by encouraging them to keep moving forward toward healing. Being involved in these sites has helped me to see that my struggles and needs are not unique but totally common with Adult Survivors of Child Abuse.

I love to share thoughts, answer questions, and find a way to develop solutions, support and substance for Adult Survivors of Child Abuse who are desperately seeking to heal and raise up a loving family. In ending child abuse, this is one of the last frontiers to be entered. It is where the rubber meets the road. These adults are the forefront lines making sure the abuse stops with them. We need help. This life challenge before us is painful and difficult, but I have witness many brave souls stepping up to confront their status quo, who have a resolve to see the abuse pattern changed to loving, functional family relationships.

I look forward to hearing from anyone that would be at least be open to listen and consider the needs of this large population of adult survivors of abuse.

A Time for Confession - A Time to be Real

2009-10-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Years ago I learned a powerful truth about confession that I have repeated over and over to people through the years: you need only confess within the circle that you committed the sin. Often even if you confess to a person a sin in your heart that only you and God are aware, you can cause more pain and hurt in the lives of those you confess to and not do them any good.

But in the Bible, there are times that God inspired writers to tell the life stories of people in such detail that we for thousands of years are able to read about the horrible sin committed by others. King David comes to mind. A man who God says 'has a heart after God' - David loved God with all of his heart, He knew Him as a child and talked to Him many long days and nights as he shepherded his father's flocks. He was never alone, He understood that God was with Him, and He took the time it takes with another to know Him deeply.

This same man, wonderful warrior, beloved King, also did some very seedy deeds in his life. And God aired his dirty laundry for generations to read about. We know from the Bible he seduced his neighbors wife, he commanded her as King to come into his bedroom and he bore with her a child out of wedlock. While she was pregnant, he tried to plot to cover his tracks by calling her gallant warrior husband home from the battlefield where he was serving his King, the very King that had stolen his wife unbeknown to him. He denied himself time alone with his wife because he had left his men on the battlefield and would not take the comfort of his own bed as his men slept in the fields.

So King David had to take more drastic measures to cover his sins, he ordered this loyal subject to be placed on the frontline of the battlefield to meet his certain death! He literally had the husband of his lover murdered to cover his tracks. In time, David would be deeply convicted of his sin, and he would weep out to God for forgiveness, the mercy of having his sin debt removed and to no longer be chained to heart holding him in bondage and in a broken relationship with God.

Why do I share such a story in a blog dealing with finding hope for healing from being abused or for those who have lived through horrendous trauma? What could this possibly have to do with you or me? Well, I will tell you....

Tonight, as many nights in my late forties, I lay wide awake trying desperately to drift into sleep. I so need a good nights sleep to be fully functioning in the day as I mother my children, manage the home, minister to others and be a partner to my husband. A human does not function well on little to no sleep; it makes it very hard to be at their best; and often a traumatic crash will follow in a day or two in a relationship as logic, balance and reason are no longer attainable as the mind no longer processes properly in sleep deprivation.

As I laid in bed, I held a little book light and picked up one of the many books surrounding my bed. Tonight my hands landed on Four Pillars of a Man's Heart by Stu Weber. Ever trying to learn and understand the ways of life better, I figured it might give me insight to my oldest son who struggles with feeling and with my dear husband of 25 years that as every man has his strengths and weaknesses. I think, "If only I could get a glimpse of insight into the heart of my men."

After an hour of reading God does the unexpected, instead of getting a look into the heart of my men, I see clearly my own sinful heart! Grief and thanksgiving mix in my soul like two sides to the same coin. Without a doubt I am quickened to the pain I have caused in my oldest sons life, as I repeatedly failed to have control of my raging anger...a product of my abusive childhood that gripped its deep evil talons into my soul refusing to let go for such a long time.

For a second time I pause, as I type this post, to put my face into my hands and take a deep breath of remorse remembering how horrible I have been to my children. Like the apostle Paul, I continually found myself doing what I most dreadfully didn't want to be doing and couldn't force myself to do what my heart so deeply desired my actions to be. The perpetual cycle of doing what I most hated, and being who I most detested.

Sure, I would fall to my knees in tears, in wails of chest quivering pain, when I would lean too heavily out of balance on the pillar of the warrior, the protector, as was done to me throughout my childhood. I read Stu Weber's words that a warrior is a protector that stand between the child and the danger .... not who stands against the child in anger.

How can a mother live life after being revealed so much to regret and be massively ashamed of? I am the cause of my son's pain and sorrow. I am the one who broke is heart. I didn't protect him from danger. I was the danger. My words were the poison tipped darts that build a steel cage around his heart! He suffers and struggles today because of me. I am the wicked sinner in his life. I, the one who should have gently rocked, tightly held, adoringly watched and dotingly listened was viciously stern, fearfully controlling, confusingly hurtful and unrelentingly strict.

Oh, I tried to lean on God with every fiber in my being to change, to be the mother my children needed, but the damage was being done while I was like an octopus grasping for help in every direction. I surrendered to medication, therapy, repentance, prayer, deliverance, internal brow beating and graveling to anyone that would lend me a hand. Oh, how I wanted help, and how I asked everywhere and everyone I could find to prevent me from repeating the cycle of abuse.

Yes, a day did not go by without a painful altercation nor did a day pass away without me humbly crying out to God and my child to forgive me. I would tell my child how wrong my behavior was and how a parent should never ever treat a child the way I had. I did not want them to learn from my model of parenting they experienced, instead I wanted them to learn from my modeling a repentant heart how to be a loving, gentle caring parent.

So many times I wondered and even spoke about how my family would be better off without me. That there must be some other women, so much better suited to raise my precious children. I longed for a relative, a friend, a social worker, a neighbor, a church lady, whoever God could provide to help me be a better mother day in and day out. I took all the assistance available that I was aware of to help someone in my position.

And unquestionably I am not the mother today that I was 16 years ago! I am by a far-stretch not the perfect parent, but I have been through a inner makeover. I am painfully sorry that the growth and changes could not have been instantaneously. My children could have been spared of so much sadness.

So here I sit at my keyboard one hour later, knowing I am a sinful mother that doesn't deserve a relationship with my child but that is totally blessed to get anything that is extended to her. My family has learned more than unconditional love of a parent who will never give up on them, they have learn the humility of repentance, natural consequences and redemption available to those who turn to God for forgiveness and restoration.

This is my confession, my time to be real. I have hurt my children deeply. I have with an authentic relationship confessed my sin to God and them. I have been willing to accept the natural consequences, and been ever so grateful to receive God grace of 1John 1:9 "If I confess my sins God is faithful and just to forgive my sins, and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness." And to claim God's promise in Romans 8:1 "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I am responsible but not condemned! I have consequences but not the penalty nor the bondage of my sins, because I have been covered in His grace through His forgiveness. And by this grace (undeserved mercy), I can hold my head up, with a smile on my face and continue to parent aiming toward tender, loving care.

Is there something you need to confess and receive forgiveness and grace for?

The Secret Keeper

2009-10-21T06:09:00.000-07:00

The Secret Keeper does not feel. She has lived her life keeping the facts. It was her job. She learned it was best not to feel in order to keep me safe. She had a big job to do and she did it well. All through my life, since elementary school when I realized that I was living in a family unlike any other. She emerged knowing that I had a secret to keep. It was a very big secret and a huge responsibility.

The Secret Keeper had to do many things to keep me alive. If these secrets were ever known, it could cause violent rage in my father that could end in murder or at least severe beating, unknown torture and great harm. She lived to protect me. She grew with me through life, doing her job of being responsible to keep hidden all of the facts. She learned her job was best done if she didn't feel, since feeling made one fear, panic and lose hope.

She always was looking for a way of escape, a way out of the insanely abusive home I was raised in. At 13 she ran away from home, it was her first attempt to get away. She took a few dollars and after she was a good mile or two away she went into a drug store and bought a pencil and small spiral bound notebook. She needed to record her facts, and possibly let some of the hidden 'feeling; escape on paper to relieve the burden she carried. She needed to be comforted so she bought a single scoop ice cream cone from Baskin Robbins and then she sat on the curb in front of the store and wrote, wrote, wrote.

Yesterday in brainspotting therapy she came forward. She wanted to go through the healing processing. As I sat on the sofa in my sweet counselors office I felt like a little girl. Her feet hung above the floor swaying in the playful back and forth rhythm that is both a comfort and a joy to a child.

Before long images of an attic door in my childhood bedroom appear, she looked in but was so afraid. She wanted to go explore but felt she would come unglued or freak out if she entered. My wise counselor suggested that my adult self go with her. We found the place in my body that I felt the greatest sense of my adult self and then we found the corresponding brain spot in the room that my 'eye's window' most highly connected with the reassuring, protecting and nurturing of my adult self. After finding it, I spend resourcing time solidifying it and making it firm.

In this session I would use this brain spot to return to at any time I needed 'Lindy' - the current nurturing mother of three children - to step in and protect this dear child within, Heather, the Secret Keeper. As I was scanning the room looking for this brainspot, I also found Heather's intensely disturbing brain spot. What was very different is that my left eye could view my adult self's brain spot and at the same time my right eye viewed the disturbed child's spot. This was the first time in brainspotting that the resource spot and the distressed spot were simultaneously in the same view, one calm, peaceful, confident of her ability to help if needed and the other anxious, scared and disturbed about her life. I have learned to never be too amazed at new ways of healing.

I felt it (all the emotion and pain) in my chest right below my breast but in the center - mid sternum, breast bone. This is where the physical distress was in my body.

As I began the session, my right hand felt numb in the space between the thumb and fingers. My pointer finger also had a unfamiliar tingle as though going numb, but there was a stressful pain in the tissue between my fingers, almost like people have with arthritis in the hand. I spoke a loud to my therapist noting how odd this was. I had never felt it before or in any other session. She asked me what I was holding. I tried to focus on that for a few minutes but nothing came to mind.

We processed for over an hour. So much came forth, so much remembered needed to be told a final time. A time that this dear secret keeper could be relieved of her duties. All during childhood she bravely entered the attic crossing the beams of wood careful to not step on the insulation resting over the first floor ceiling. She would try to find footing on the sheet of plywood that was resting over the beams and filled with items from the past. These were mostly put in by my parents. But I had my own places in this attic, I would walk further away from the attic door and slide whatever it was that I was placing out of sight into the pink insulation for safe keeping. It was some poor grade test, a letter, or any kind of information that could erupt my father into starting a beating, torturing commotion that would threaten life and last hours.

She learned to work quickly, to dispose of the evidence and to surface back into the room in a matter of minutes. But she often got distracted by her curiosity, she liked to linger a little bit and rummage through the contents of her siblings things that were placed into this attic.... some oil painting done while taking a private lesson from a very talented artist - of course, none of them were 'good enough' to merit a place of honor on the wall. My father deemed them childish play and lack of talent on the part of my two oldest sisters and banished these precious works of art to a life hidden from view in an attic never to be seen again. But I like to see them, I enjoyed to run my hands over the oil paint that had raised ridges and smooth shiny texture.

Or I would flip through school papers, long gone years of hard work and study of my older sisters. I enjoyed to see what they had written and what each paper was about. Without a doubt each one was an 'A' the only acceptable grade without a beating. Soon I would remember that my job was done and I had to quickly return to the bedroom before someone came in and noticed the attic door was open. Once again, Heather had protected, hiding some secret - it was the responsibility of her life.

Heather could not feel. It would hinder her job. She was always looking for a way to help me escape, to get me out of this home. If those yellow diamond safe place signs were in fire stations, libraries or fast food restaurants when I was young, she would have stood by the sign pleading her case...refusing to budge until someone made 'Lindy's' life a safe place. But no signs like that could be found.

She told school counselors, department of human service personal, older friends, practically anyone how would listen but to no avail. Lindy's very existence teetered on a fine balance of 'don't rock the boat', knowing he, her father, would cunningly convince even the sharpest sleuth that nothing was going on in their home, only to shut the door and severely punish the person who would dare to break up his kingdom, his reign of terror, his corner of the earth that he wickedly maintain an iron-fist of control.

Each time Heather spoke, it ended in failure. She boldly spoke up, risking her life only to be forgotten .... nothing ever was done. Even the social worker from the department of human service that she totally gave every detail she could remember about her family life, sadly told her that nothing could be done. "No court will convict your father if you are the only one to testify out of eight children and your mother." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I pleaded, "I will go on the stand. I will tell all." Only to be deflated by the social worker explaining, "how could anyone believe your story if even your own mother would not collaborate it." Everyone else was too terrified of him. He would certainly want to kill anyone who destroyed is 'kingdom'. I was also encouraged to get back with her if I could convince a sibling or my mother to testify, and was told that the case would remain open until that time, if it ever happen. Hopeless! That was my life-story, continually running into brick walls that would never budge, but only slam what little hope I could muster into vapor.

Back to the attic scene, my adult self assured Heather that her job of being a secret keeper was complete, and we would would burn the things in the attic because they were no longer needed. These items were my past that could be forgotten. "And you will burn me," said Heather in a sheepish voice. "No, dear one, you will not be burned. You served a big purpose in my life. You grew up with me. You spoke up for me. I love you. This is the final thing you will do for me and then you can rest. You can let me take over from this point on.," I assured her.

In a McGiverish way I gave her a sack that contained special candles that would engulf the contents of the attic but not inflame the home. She carefully walked around the perimeter of the attic contents placing these small candle-fires and returned to the room through the attic door. I placed a detonator in her hand, the same right hand that was numb with aching pain for holding onto to so many secrets. She pushed the button and felt the familiar ache between her thumb and finger joint. As smoke began, this controlled fire systematically turned all the contents into black carbon remains that even drifted lightly in the attic air. I held her close. She looked up at me and in that instant we returned to our garden.

The garden is where all my alters now live and step up during therapy to take do what is needed to finish their purpose and be assimilated back to me, not to be forgotten, but to be memorialized and appreciated for their service in my life.

We were both quite tired. I returned Heather to the sun-room porch off the cabin that she enjoys reading in. She was too tired to read. She laid down on the wicker sofa and fell fast asleep. I walked quickly past my Papa-God giving Him a wave of hello-goodbye, and entered into my simple but cozy bedroom. I climbed in bed and pulled the soft white comforter up to my face, feeling save and secure, I fell into a deep sleep. The session was over. I opened my eyes and spoke a with my counselor. She ended the session by telling me a funny joke, I know now she was grounding me in my adult self. Leaving her office I felt a joy knowing that since my trauma triggers and constant dissociation had stopped about 8 weeks ago, I can successfully deal with my childhood in a contained therapy session.

This morning I woke in distress. I had dreamed a lot about my childhood. Heather was feeling, which is a good human part of every being. She was in tears repeating over and over, "I can't get away. I can't get away." I allowed her to feel. Then I stepped in and told her, she was away. She no longer lived in her childhood home, and that she was safe.

God uses our dreams to continue the processing that may have been opened up during a therapy session. Dreaming is a brain processing time that helps incidences, memories, emotions, or information to move between the two sides of the brain, fact and feeling. I know I must write. It is a hard choice because it will take up a few hours of my day, but I persist knowing it is part of my healing. It is also part of my remembering. After I finish this post sit up in my bed, comforted, even refreshed to enter a new day.

A new day is continually dawning, a hopeful bright future lays ahead. I take a cleansing breath, a breath of joy and peace, and get started on my day. I know my own children will need me, and I have a good life to live.

Do you have secrets you need to deal with? Is it time for you to move into the present by facing the past? Aim to always live in your present and to be the true person God created you to be.

Healing Dream - Natural EMDR

2009-09-24T05:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a breakthrough dream. After 46 years I had my first good dream with my parents in it. This is what I have always felt is the power of Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) and Brainspotting; truly it is using God's method of dreaming to help process and reprogram the thoughts and feelings in the brain.

Tonight God allowed me to process in a dream spending quality time with my father; something I have never done in real life. I lived my entire childhood in fear. Since he was so violent and unpredictable I could never be unguarded and enjoy being with him. I never knew what I might say or do to trigger his vicious temper and warped, raging behavior.

The dream I had tonight was totally different. We were in a city, not a real city that I could identify, but a quaint city with public transportation, friendly people, nice shops and restaurants. I spend the 'day' with my father. We would get on the bus and drive a few blocks. In a few stops, we'd step out of the bus to enjoy the people, unique stores and have something little to eat.

The details of the city were not important. What was important is that I was connecting in an appropriate way with my father as a daughter should. I felt safe in his presence. I could speak knowing I was not going to be abused for saying something that didn't sound right to him. All this is nice but not the total purpose of the dream.

The underlying reason I was allowed this dream was 1) it confirms a drastic internal change in my soul (confirming to my heart that real healing is in the completion stage and 2) to reconnect and process the parts of my brain needed for attachment. The feelings of safety, care, appreciation and relationship permeated the essence of the dream. My childhood totally lacked attachment, a sense of belonging, relational love to another. Attunement is a gaping missing part of my childhood.

A child needs times (frequent, continual times) of lovingly relating to her parent to develop the neurotransmitters in the brain. The brain is continually developing a network of connectors. Think a vine growing up the side of a building often it crosses paths with different branches interconnecting forming a webbed-network.

The brain is similar. In order for the chemicals to release and get where they need to go the brain nerve networks needs to be developed. This helps to create patterns of feelings, responses to events, and builds trusting bond with important people in our life. The flow of these chemicals are essential to mental health.

In a child that never has opportunity to develop attachment during pruning ages (there are several periods of pruning during our lifetime, mostly through childhood) the unused brain branched are cut back to give other parts of the brain opportunity to grow and so the brain functions more efficient in the areas that are needed (or used).

Detrimentally, attachment connections are so needed in life, but in an abusive or neglected environment the brain does not develop normally. This may be a way the brain protects the child who is not in a loving environment. Without the attachment network developed, possibly deeper damage to the soul is prevented while the child is still in the abusive place.

While this is a quite simplified neurological explanation (very layperson in terms), I feels it is important to share for this one point: my dream last night awakened parts of my brain that had not been developed and I was able to begin sensing attachment bonds connecting. These bonds enable us to relate in a more stable, trusting way to our own children, spouse, and dear friends.

I am sure I do not understand all the depth of what God allowed to take place last night and I am certain some spiritual victories have been won! Ground stolen has begun to be retaken.

We have to remember that everything that takes place in our life is spiritual, physical, emotional and mental in varying levels. Our beings are internally interconnected in these ways. What occurs on one level effects all the others. It would be easy to see how dreams cross all these areas, and thankfully in the victory side of healing God can use our dreams to restore the years the 'locus have stolen'! I continue to be grateful and amazed at the steps of healing.

Learning How to Walk in Healing - Trauma-Trigger Free

2009-09-16T04:30:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to write, to update how I am doing, but happily I have been busy learning how to live trauma-trigger free. Yes, I did say that! And I have a big smile across my face, but a deeper joyful smile in my heart. With glee I can say, "I no longer disassociate!"

Well, that isn't totally true, I still have those drifting brain times that everyone else has like driving will I think about a conversation or a task I have to get done, or walking in a store without seeing everything around me because I am focused on thoughts of 'what's for dinner tonight?' Oh, so universally common disassociation in every human brain!

So, let me give an illustration so you can understand how different I feel. Every computer has random access memory (RAM) to operate all the current programs you are busy using and switching between. The more programs and windows you have operating the less memory left for doing tasks and the slower your programs run.

My brain has been running way too many programs and opening far too many windows at one time. Every morning I'd wake up running sluggish, having all these thoughts and feelings active in my RAM memory. That is why I would crash easily. If something triggered one or two or even a few new windows (like past memories), I would get so overloaded my brain would crash, basically have an emotional shut down.

When a computer shuts down, it can lock up, freeze, go blank, the keys may no longer function, etc.....something tipped the RAM into la la land, and not only can current memory be lost, what the computer was actively doing prior to the crash, but a crash can be so bad, you just might need to take your computer in for a repair job. Fortunately, computers just needs a little time shut off. After the down time and it is ready to start back up.

How similar a computer is to what happens in the brain! When so many memories, thoughts, disassociation are actively running around in the short term memory, the littlest of triggers can cause the adrenalin response of fight, flight or freeze, and bam! you mentally lock up, freeze, no longer function.

Well, here is the tad-ah, great news: God cleared my RAM. All those memories that would run as soon as I would open my eyes aren't loaded on the start program anymore, they are no longer pre-activated to load into my short-term memory. More amazingly, God moved them to long term memory on a separate backup drive! Sure all the memories and feelings (less deactivating) are there in my brain, but I get to decide when I want to bring a past memory up if I want to do some finishing work on it or to learn from it or to redesign the memory's outcome through therapy sessions.

I guess, I could say that I feel empty-headed, in a good sort-a way. My brain blows me away with how much I can do and think about without all those trauma triggers occurring and disassociations running on full speed each day. I can think clearly, listen better, get my thoughts organized, and have a light, happy outlook on each day.

As I continue to smile with an unending glow, I must confess I am frankly surprised how nice it feels just to sit still, not being mentally pulled into so many directions. I never lost the hope to be healed, but honestly I never really knew it would feel like this and it would be so complete.

I am living proof, my life is a testimony .... out of the depths of terror, trauma, abuse .... out of twisted, sensitive, jammed thoughts, feelings, living ... yes, out of mental illness... can come true, thorough healing! I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive! I'm living a new life, so much closer to the life God originally intended for me. I am more like "the me" God created me to be!

And life on the other side of the healing process is so good! Healing hurts while you are in it, enduring the hard work that must be done, It hurts incredibly much! But I am here to say, the victory is so sweet and worth all the pain. The pain of labor can be almost unbearable, but the gift of holding a new life in your hand is so full of promise and joy.

For now, I am learning how to walk... how to be able to think... how to decide what I want to do next...how to be consistent with myself and my family and friends. Like healing, living is a process that is not always easy, but living is not often terribly painful like the hurting days were.

I feel like I am starting my life again, really for the first time. This is my life! What I make of it is totally dependent on how I choose to live each day and build upon it. Living life is fascinating beyond my dreams. I am so creative, and capable. I still have to fight the good fight, to get through hard times that come usually each day, but I now get to deal with the present issues at hand using my full adult-self capacity instead of dealing with the monster-like memories of the past.

So, this is where I am today in my healing journey, I am learning to walk in the present, instead of living stuck in the past. What Joy is in My heart!

Who You Are

2009-08-05T16:35:00.000-07:00

"You wont understand" my daughter repeated as I sat dumbfounded at the stop sign. One left turn and five houses down I would be in our driveway. But, I couldn't seem to lift my foot off the break.

My daughter turned 12 today. On the way home from a birthday lunch with her girlfriend, she told me that I did not know who she was. I lovingly told her, "Who you are is who God created you to be and I loved you, just as He chose to make you." She again told me, "You don't understand." "Well, I may not, but I love you," is all I could think to say.

I finished the short drive to our home, and she both went in. One thing I did understand is that she is a teen, and being a teen a parent never knows what may come out of their mouth. Especially when you have an open relationship where they know they are safe to express their feelings and thoughts, when they know they are loved.

A few hours later I laid on my bed and wrote this for her:

August 5, 2009

Who You Are

You are a lovely girl
Created by Jehovah God.
He formed you in my womb
On winter day in 1996.

You rapidly grew, cell by cell, tissue by tissue, organ by organ.

You tried to be born in June
But that was too soon.
I had to lay on the sofa
For 7 weeks, letting your brothers
Run wild.

As I pushed at the end of labor,
I watched your head
Slide out into the doctor's arms.

As soon as you were
Cleaned and bundled in a blanket,
You nursed at my breast.
I looked at you amazed,
Overjoyed with the blessing of your birth.

On the second day of your life,
I carefully walked into the hospital hall.
I was on my way to the nursery.
I wanted to hold you in my arms again
And to gaze at your beauty.

My eyes caught sight
Of a white satin ribbon.
The pink words boldly said,
"It's A Girl!"

I stopped and cried.

For the first time, I understood.

Joy washed over me.

God had given me
A precious daughter.

Tears still, even as I write
Flood my eyes.

You are my one
And only daughter.
You have brought so
Much completeness to my life.

Words can never quite
Express all the love,
Tenderness, compassion
And happiness
You have given me.

I love who you are.
I would not want you
Any other way, or any other girl.

I grieve that I could
Not be the mother
You deserved -
You deserve the Best!

The only regret I have
Is that I could not
Be healed sooner.
And how I tried!

I apologize for all
The times I hurt you,
For scaring you,
For worrying you,
For causing you to cry,
For hurting your feelings,
For not being there
When you needed or wanted me.

I accept responsibility
For who I was
For what I did
Or didn't do
For who I am today.

You are and always will be -
A gift from God to me.
I thank Him for entrusting
Me to raise you for Him.
You are God's princess,
His precious child.
We love you.

And still,
I do not know
Who you are
Because you are growing up
Becoming your own person
Discovering our identity.

Who you are
Can only be known
By those you allow
to know
Who you are.

Who are you?

I love you, the you,
You allow me to know.
I love you, Forever!

Mom

Are You Drifting?

2009-07-15T06:19:00.000-07:00

Are you standing still in the current? You do realize that is impossible. No matter where you stand in a creek, you never stand in the same spot twice. Either you walk and move about or the water moves past you. The current of the world is not driving you toward God.

In the Bible when God speaks of not drifting away, "Therefore we must give the more earnest heed to the things we have heard, lest we drift away" (NKJV Hebrews 2:1) The Greek word used for drift away is speaking of being about to crash on rocks; A ship that has lost its rudder and not able to hold anchor. God speaks presupposing that you are aware that there is a current in life driving us away from good.

If you don't wake up and take responsibility for your faith and life, making determined prayerful choices, about where you are going, you will be drifting away from all that Christ has made available to you.

Christ has brought us:

Righteousness, We are clothed in His Righteousness.
Our Destiny, We are co-laborers with God and a steward of all creation.
Unity, The mystery of the gospel, Christ is in us and we are in Christ, unifying us all.
Freedom, Jesus came to set the captives from from bondage (sin, position, abuse).
Ministry, The pains of our life healed by the Truths of God gives us areas of ministry.

This list of what Christ has given us could go on and on, but it covers the basics.

Why is there a current trying to drift you away? Never forget, you have an enemy! The world laughs at that and wants you to disregard him, but that is a terrible mistake. As you get cozy to the world, lukewarm to your devotion to God, Satan is hoping to drift you away to see you crash among the troubles of this world.

Remind Satan, father of this world and lies, that Jesus has rendered him powerless in your life. Know who you are in Christ, and continue to grow, drawing nearer to God. Yes, God will give you wonderful times of rest in Him, but even in resting in Him you are drawing near and not drifting away.

You can say these:

I am holy.
I am righteous.
I am a sister to Jesus.
I am freed, in daily victory.
I render my past, and the enemy powerless in my life.
I am in the hand of the Father.
I can never be snatched out of God's hand.
I am a co-laborer with God.
I am an overcomer and conqueror.
I trust God with an attitude of praise!

Are you drifting? Moving? Resting?

Demonic Dealt With

2009-07-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Could it be Demonic or is it Emotional? The answer may depend on your worldview. Does your worldview include the reality of Satan and his evil angelic host casted down - one third of all heavenly angels? Do you believe there is a one, perfect, true, all-knowing, all-powerful Existed One, God?

For about ten years I have been going to consistent counseling to be healed from the effects of horrific child abuse.

About one year ago, I realized my mind had splintered off into various alters to protect myself during extremely intense abusive times in my childhood. This is a conditional called Dissociative Identity Disorder (aka Multiple Personality Disorder).

Over the past two years, I have been in brain therapy, called Brainspotting, developed by Dr. David Grand from years of experience using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprogramming). While my therapy using EMDR began about 8 years ago I have been doing brainspotting for about 2 years.

In therapy this year we have been discovering alters (see earlier post on this blog, http://abuseandtrauma-hope.blogspot.com/2008/11/dissociation-disintegrated-sense-of.html). This has been a very emotional and time consuming part of therapy.

In the past few months, we have been gathering the alters to come together into a garden in my mind to speak to my adult self. ( I apologize if I have lost you. Please let me know by commenting and I will try to explain in more detail.) The therapy goal is to have the 10 or so alters agree to have their needs met, allow themselves to mature and grant my adult self privilege of having my being (soul). It is time for them to let me live my life as a 46 year old adult. Each alter has to understand I don't need their help and protection though I am very grateful for all they did to keep me sane and safe during my childhood.

Last week we (my therapist, myself and God) were working in a session together to bring in to the garden one of the last two alters to enter. God orchestrated a different event for this alter. He knew it was not really an alter of myself at all, it instead was a host of demonic spirits that was not really within me but that was still deeply attached to me. (Again, I can explain more deeply if you comment that you need more information on this topic.)

This is my remembrance of the brainspotting session,

I met God at the garden gate. On our way to the cottage, we stopped by the garden swing so He could hand Jesus Lulu (my youngest alter) to hold while He was keeping Tina (the frozen young alter) secure companionship.

When we entered the cottage, Father God had me sit at the long farmhouse table close to the wood burning stone fireplace. He handed me a nice cup of java and a freshly baked scone. (We all know Java will be served continually in heaven.) He began to prepare me for what was going to take place.

He called forth Warrior Angels to fill the garden area to protect the children alters that had already found a comfortable place in the garden while they each waited for our time to come together in the cottage. These Angels began to patrol the garden to keep everyone safe.

Father God spoke to other Warrior Angels to follow Him and me to the garden gate. When we arrived, the Angels stepped forward and opened the gate. In came the condeming mother alter, which I now understood was a demon, and the Angels surround it securely within a circular perimeter.

The demon began to change faces. In the middle of fog-like mist I could see various black and white sketched faces in a dance-like float begin to emerge and fade as if they were fighting for control of who was to emerge and dominate. Father God spoke to the demons, as they spewed out hateful comments. I realized that it was not only a condemning mother spirit but a hate-filled father spirit and more I didn't readily identify.

Father God commanded them to leave, to be cast away in the name and blood of Jesus. The power of the name and blood of Jesus is a constant reminder to Satan and demons of His victory over the power of death, and them. I looked at Father God and fell to my knees before Him, praising, thanking and worshiping Him.

I did not even need to speak a word to the demonic presence. I knew I was changed. I was freed from a demonic spirit that had tried to viciously inflict harm, pain and even death on my adult self. These demons, clustered together as a condemning mother voice, had over the years beat me violently, choked me, held my head under water, talked suicide thoughts to me, degraded and belittle me, and tried to tear at any success or confidence I had as a mother. While its hold on me in the last few years had been less and less, a few times a year it raised its ugly head to torture me.

As we returned toward the cottage, Father God and I stopped by Jesus to pick up Lulu. Jesus spoke His pleasure. It was sense of knowing the work that had taken place.

In the cottage, God laid Lulu down in a playpen-like, babybed in the corner of the room, as I went to sit again at the table. Father God came over and ran His fingers through my long hair. I was very tired. With His guidance and permission, I walked over to a bedroom knowing I needed to rest, knowing what I came to do this day had been accomplished. "Well done, my good and faithful servant, well done," were the last words I heard my Father say as the session ended and I opened my eyes.

Anger, Rage, Frustration

2009-05-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

Anger, Rage and Frustration.....who likes to feel these emotions? But they are a reality, just as real as love, compassion and peace. The distance between them is the great divide of forgiveness.

I am not trying to spiritualize my feelings. It is the lens of life I see through. I can no more not see this way than a person who has red tinted glasses can not see red in everything viewed. Spiritual is who I am.

So if you don't believe in God, don't close off and think 'just another Jesus Freak' gonna tell me how to see the light by saying a sweet little prayer. You are safe, I don't believe in save me - I want to get out of hell prayers. You will never hear me leading you to do one.

Oh, back to anger, rage, frustration....how can a person go from normal to rage in seconds? How is it possible to go from asking someone to stop doing something very little to blowing up inside overflowing with explosive emotion? I ask once, twice, three times, and it is totally disregarded....I ask four, five, six times....and the action still persists. Then the person move away just a few inches to do what I have simply asks them not to do.

Slam, rejection, hurt, "My kids hate me!" anger, rage, I am about to explode!

Must do something, must work hard, must exert lots of energy to not blow.

The kitchen, messy sink, full trash can, milk dripping down cabinet, stove stop soiled, dishes all over....it will be healthier and safer to take out my frustration and raw anger on the kitchen...instead of opening my mouth. If my mouth opens I will spew out words of hate, destruction and death. If someone comes near me I might knock their head off. Yes, the kitchen, it needs me and I need it.

Slam, glasses enter the dishwasher, clash, tin sheets fly in the rack, bang, plates all line up, sling, silverware falls into place. (no one speaks from the living room but I have made more noise than a tornado).

On to the stove, glass top cleaner drizzled on white on black. Scrubbing sponge made wet. New razor knife, open the package, slide the box flap up, remove a blade. Thinking it is a good thing I am not a cutter....this would not be good for a cutter.

Trash bag, filled, pulled, tied. New trash bag, woomp, with a sharp shake the air rushes in just about as quickly as the anger blew me up. Smash it into the can, toss in the rest of the trash.

A rag....I need a rag...on the the dryer...dig, push, pull....the way towels are made so cheaply today a rag is never to far away. "This will do" backing into the kitchen to wipe the mess on the counter, cabinet, stove top, and sink.

Empty the coffee canister...about two days old...half full, rinse, soap, slush in water. Swirl, empty. Fill again, swirl, empty. One more time, swirl, empty. Replace to coffee warmer.

Quick look around, grabbing the cloth napkins and towels, and of course the rag, wipe a few spots on the tile floor.....I am out of there. Back to the laundry space, fling in the cloths, shut the door, turn off the light....

I am out of here. Got to go write. Don't want to speak, don't want to engage a single person, need to be alone, need to get me space, need to unload....and write.

Enter my bedroom, again, forcefully throwing magazines, books, journal, calendar off my bed....a mess....always a mess on the side of my bed. Shoes...I can put those up...one, two, three, four, flying into the closet floor corner....close to the shoe rack even if not in it. Remove the foot or two stack of folded clothes....husband already put his up...he always does what needs to be immediately...never leaving a pile like me. Picking up the clothes I pile them nicely on the three other feet of close hiding the rocker....how long have they been there...one week, two weeks, maybe more...and there on the carpet lies my small black suitcase, still loaded from a trip 3 or more weeks ago...get out of here....this will not help.

So I write, write, write. My place of release, my refuge, a time to be truthful, to see clearly what burns the center of my gut.

What will people think? Good thing you are not in politics, can you imagine the ammunition you give your enemies by being real, honest, transparent. Everybody gets angry...some a little more quickly than others, some a little more frequently than others, some a little more loud than others. Verbal, physical, destructive or constructive.....the quick build up of chemicals released by emotions must find a way out.

The door crack open.....a little noise....

"Momma," speaks my sweet girl's voice. "I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU," slowly, firm, controlled but mad is my response. A look of sorrow through the door.....to a repeated somewhat gentler, "I do not want to talk to you." Crack in door closes, light in adjoining room goes out, door exited and shut.

Do you think this makes me feel good about myself? Why am I so soft, feeling so guilty, mad at myself for how I can't handle simple disobedience...defiance, but not a moral sin! I am so sad...still mad but close to tears. "What kind of mother am I?" "What kind of person am I?" run the list of doubting myself thoughts.

Finally, I let out a deep breath, again breathe in deeply, than slowly allowing the air to flow out of my body, soul and spirit. Breath! It is a gift from God. The first things He gives us when we are born, the last thing He takes when we turn stone cold in death. Breath, the breath of life....much more powerful than I will ever understand. Cleansing, healing, calming......releasing the toxins and replenishing my being.

Now, how do I restore my relationship with my child? Never let the sun set on anger. Another cleansing breath, it almost releases the tight burning not in my stomach. Grace, mercy, forgiveness.....humility, confession, Godly sorrow...

Oh, Father God, help me, help me to not be so quick to anger. Help me learn to handle disobedience without anger. Forgive me for raging, slamming, hating. Teach me to temper my anger, through your peace. I love you Father God. I am not worthy, but so blessed to have You....my Safe Place, with You inside my spirit. More of You and less of more....in my weakness, You be my strength. Time to kneel before my daughter's bed....time to take responsibility for my rage...time to ask for forgiveness and reassure my love. So unworthy, but blessed. How, Lord, does a person live without You? I would not know what to do, how to act, be able to extend a bent me toward You.

Yes, that's it. Use this to "bend me!" The cry of the revivalist in 1904, "bend me, bend me, bend me" to your will. Only You rise out of sin, goodness and eternal life. With You there is forever the wonderful exchange of my ugly for Your good...the blessing the never ends...."My grace is sufficient" says Your Word....thankful to people like me, Your supply will never run dry. I'm dry, I thirst, I need, fill me Father God. Overflow Me with You.

If you made it this far, may my raw life experience, help you not to stumble as much as I do....and maybe, just maybe....you will be touched by Him.

Coming Together in A Safe Place - Alters Working Together

2009-05-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

This is our plan but truly does anyone know how to plan when they trek into uncharted territory. Did Lewis and Clark know what path to take or how to deal with a Grisly when they had only seen a brown bear? Explorers have to walk by faith, which is easier when you have a relationship with the One you have faith in.

In my second week of therapy, extended in time for the purpose of helping all my alters, DID personalities, come together, I keep the faith. I meet my counselor for the purpose of finding needs for all alters, and the hope to finally making an agreement between them to allow me to live my life. At least this is what I have been told may happen in the process. Me, being my core self - Lindy, my 46 year old adult self wants to finish therapy one day.

Seven years is longer than any therapy deserves. I know, the end is not the lesson but the journey is what I need to cherish, but I am too real to pretend this is comforting all the time. How long must I keep walking this road by faith? When will it ever end?

I want to be able to make decisions and function full-time without being controlled by an alter. So, in therapy, we are going to let the alters know that they will all be taken care of and every need addressed but that it would be best for everyone, and especially Lindy, my adult self, if they would wait until therapy time. (haaa haaa haaa, what a joke, like the alters might just listen...it is like trying to control a preschool class by offering them anything they want in an ice cream parlor before they go to bed. good luck!)

This therapy process is to be a very careful process and something you may not fully comprehend or understand. Don't worry, most doctors don't understand it either. That should give you a light-hearted deep breathe .... you are not alone. I have found it very helpful to pray before a session asking God to have His way. It helps me to trust someone great than me is in control of my healing.

If you have been though abuse and trauma, and struggle with hearing voices or changing personalities or various stages of maturity, you may have Dissociative Identity Disorder, or at least some type of dissociative disorder. Not all people who have been through abuse and trauma develop this disorder, a mental illness that evolves to help a child cope with severe repeated abuse especially in tender developmental years of early childhood.

So, let me explain a little about what has been taking place. I share to let people know that this type of therapy is available and also for others to be able to identify or understand so they don't feel so isolated. You are not the only one struggling with these problems, and there is great help for healing for child abuse survivors! Even though I am crushed on days when I least expect it.

I worked with my wonderful counselor last week on setting up the secret safe place for everyone to feel safe to enter the same time and space for a meeting. God led me. I didn't need to come up with something on my own or take a suggestion from my counselor. I simply put on the biolateral CD music headset and watched the place develop.

If you have been following me in my therapy and my healing at all you would know that it would, of course, be a garden place. What I delight about this space is that God led me around showing me everything that was there....and His creativity is endless and perfect.

From a creek with sitting stones, to a rose vine climbing an arch above a bench swing, to butterflies and birds fluttering around, to a cottage front porch with rustic wood rockers and to bubbles and a sandbox...He thinks of everything!

Here in this garden is a special safe place for all of my alters to hopefully find healing...and I will enjoy seeing where each go to feel comfortable.

As this session came to a close, Father God placed a ring on my finger. It was a gold color, more a yellow stone similar to a yellow diamond. I wondered why...why He has never done anything like this before. Father God told me the ring has special ability...He tells me to touch it any time I need Him. It will be a reminder that He is with me and that I am deeply loved.

Coming together in therapy is not going to be easy, but God is laying the ground work to give me all that I will need...

Of course, He is what I need.

Dissociation -Disintegrated Sense of Self

2009-05-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Behind the face you see is a world that is hidden. No one knew it was there for a long time, not even the person herself. She had to wait until she was emotional, physically, and mentally safe to allow the door to be open. She did not even know all that was inside. She was not sure she wanted know or to open the door, because she didn't believe that all that was contained inside would ever get back in. She felt she would be left broken, non-functioning, useless. At least if the door stayed shut she could cope...but she also couldn't feel. Her feelings were locked up behind the door...the whole spectrum of anything that was possible for a person to feel...she was afraid. Would the door ever shut again once it was cracked open? Would she be able to deal with what was inside? How much pain was there? It was all unknown.

Each person who has experienced trauma will have their unique cycle of child abuse. When did it start? How much damage occurred? How will healing come? Undeniably, a person who has experienced child abuse much start somewhere - where ever they presently are - to begin stopping the cycle. The first step is to face reality.

It is the door to the secret garden of her psyche. She needed to learn to feel but she needed to be safe, stable and able to function as a wife, mom and friend. Could she take the chance? Was it possible to heal? Could she ever trust someone to help her open the door?

This is what she began to learn was behind her secret door.....

I want to explain in educated, theory-type way...what will be shared...she was a victim of child abuse and her sense of self had disintegrated through her childhood...she had a dissociative personality disorder and suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome.

Dissociation is a process linked to

lapses of attention (detached/distracted/not there),
history of abuse or trauma,
compromised emotional memory(often remembers facts without feelings), and
a disintegrated sense of self (slips into childlike thinking/actions, doesn't respond appropriately or act her age, presses issues in a compulsive way as unable to let it go) .

Research psychologist have theorized that dissociation stems from avoiding emotional information, especially negative emotion, to protect a fragile psyche. (as defined in APA journal article Vol 8(5), Oct 2008, 653-661) Adult Survivors of Child Abuse can develop Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), especially if they lived in life-threatening homes.

Post-traumatic stress disorder that affects soldiers after war is widely accepted as a common result of being exposed to war zones. Millions of dollars of research is being funded to find a method of healing PTSD for the Department of Defense. Much of this research was a result of identifying this problem in Vietnam War Veterans. Today the Department of Defense is funding research to prevent and heal PTSD.

But anyone who has suffered through a terrifying ordeal where life is at stake can have PTSD. The key similarity is both lived through life threatening situations. Child Abuse survivors can be even more susceptible to PTSD because they were simply very young children with little or no coping skills or resources for help. Another factor that pushes the abused child's psyche into splitting (dissociating) is that the very person that was suppose to protect and love him/her was the perpetrator of intense violence and harm.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health in the US, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb, especially with people who were with them during the ordeal or in the same time of their life when the ordeal occurred.
The following is an example of a Child Abuse Dissociative Case. Each identity or person identified is a unique disintegrated sense of self. Most, if not all, were solidified in an extremely life-threatening or highly traumatic abuse situation. The child developed a separate self to contain the emotions and frequently the memory of the event to protect the fragile psyche. DID is an extreme example of an innate ability to preserve one's very life. Since the child was not removed from the abusive home, the psyche had to develop a survival pattern/mechanism to enable him/her to continue living under such abuse, fear and unpredictability.
This is a look inside the hidden door:
Baby - about 2- witnessed mother physically, emotionally, verbally abused to
the point that mother was injured and taken into surgery. Child had to
stand next to mother's hospital bed saying goodbye being told she may not live
through surgery. Untrusting, Angry, screaming, kicking, fighting to keep people away. Dark curly hair, porcelain face, blue simple but frilly dress, hard bottom shoes with shiny black patten leather. healthy, slightly plump appearance.
Lulu - 3 - very fearful, needs comfort object or stuffed toy to hold, timid, had toys taken away and destroyed while she watched, abuser was enjoying the terror, crying, hurting reaction so he continued with more destruction, and verbal/emotional abuse. wearing cotton night dress, long sleeves with past knee length, faded character on nightgown, old, worn, thinning. wearing socks, very thin, and frail

Frozen/numb - (no name identified yet) - about 10, 4-5th grade, stiff, scared to move, wants to disappear, terrified with noises and sense that someone is coming into bedroom at night. too afraid to look. sensing evil lurking about. terrified at night. sees shadows of people figure moving slowly. afraid someone is going to hurt her, take her, kill her, choose her. Learned to take physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse and does not feel touch, or allow words to enter psyche. Aware of being active when protecting, verbally communicates to abused child to let her know that she will not be touched/hurt. flat emotion. can endure intense abusive high level pain.
Runner/Flight Response - 12 yr old, in control, confident, reactive to injustice, pain, being treated unfairly/poorly, quickly engages and takes over, acts to "take toys and go home", pulls out of relationship, situation, activity in an instant, decisive, wants to leave quickly to protect from further hurt, only can come out in situations without prime abuser, never has surfaces with abuser, terrified of abuser, abuser makes her tremble, hides deep away because of feeling so vulnerable if abuser is around.
Susie - 8th-9th grade, 13, Very Strong Personality, Speaker for child, Reporter of facts taken place, Protector, Can control violent/hater self from acting, always joins (surfaces) with violent/hater, Adult-type, Responsible, Able to function at high levels with appropriate behavior. Red gingham cotton button down front simple 50's style shirt, very plain, neat appearance. Tight curled dark brown hair, fair skin.
Fred - only boy - in early 1900's attire, wearing light cotton shirt, priest like collar, striped beige and cream, buttoned, also wearing beige/tan linen weave pants slight puff coming to a cuff under knee, cream tights/long socks, black leather shoes, brown curly hair, arm are tense, contracting muscles, violently angry, wants to protect, wants to kill abuser, vengeful, hates, blind anger...always surfaces with Susie and when safe to come out. Never surfaces with abuser, believes he is not strong enough to hurt abuser, abuser feels towering large in comparison to his size, feels abuser would just swat him away. Frustrated he can't prevent abuse.

Jitters/Jumpy - 14/15 Sophomore, seen brothers hung, knows sister is current incest victim, tries to keep sister from being alone with abuser, witnessed attempted murder, endures abuser psychological/emotional abuse of putting finger gun up to head saying, "bang", fearful, wants abuser to be dead, hyper-vigilant, always listening, watching...trying to anticipate abusers actions, never can rest, on guard duty, worried, concerned about others safety, tries to be brave but does not engage, jumps/jitters at noises, movement, comes unglued hearing or seeing rhythmic motion or sounds- causes her to come to high alert, then quickly meltdown. Freaks out, yells, "stop", not in control of emotions, raw emotions, like a live nerve aways open, very easy to trigger/set off
Dreamer - 15/16 - high schooler, escape personality, poetry writer, able to fly, daydreamer, stares out windows, can be present but not there /able to float above body (derealization/ depersonalization), very light airy shirt, dress, 70's style, white/pastel butterfly like in feel, faded, comfortable, well-worn good fit blue jeans, very comfortable, almost like tripping on drug, carefree, truly a dreamer, long full breezy hair, doesn't seem to be touching ground, hopeful, able to dream, feels no pain. feels peace, love....as she imagines it.
Howler/Screamer - 19-20, feels all pain, cries out in deep howling pain, can't stop the emotional pain without causing physical pain to herself, hits body until pain stops, puts head under water, hold breath....tries to make body have more pain then emotions so she can stop screaming, wearing long flannel nightgown, long dark hair, pasty face, drawn, sickly-looking, knows no emotion but feels deep piercing pain. Surfaces when person is tripped into childhood abuse memories by everyday occurrences/situations. Comes out when alone, with children, husband, or people who know her person well. Surfaces too when feels like a failure, can't do anything right, or that she has hurt others who are innocent. Surfaces if she sees innocent person or animal hurt.
Obsessor/Pusher - obsessive, can not let go, repetitive, pushes to get others to agree or admit or validate what she feels or believes, does not listen to any comments but waiting for what she needs to hear said, unreasonable, irrational, pushy, presses others hard to get to the truth, obsessed to be a truth finder and to get others to accept "truth", broken record, does not see situations from any point of view but hers, desperately trying to get others to validate what she feels or sees as what really "happen", wants others to admit their guilt, wants others to take responsibility for offending her, does not see that she is pushy/obsessive, domineering, overbearing, forceful, very verbal, sure of self, experiencing rejection or perceived mistreatment, never rests.
Condemning/Abusive verbally - Condemning voice of adult mother-type, never has anything good to say, rips apart self, attacks self when she is down, feeling vulnerable, wrong, like a failure, tells her that she is worthless, a good-for-nothing, deserves to be hurt, never going to do anything right, serves her right, can't ever do anything right, beats her self up in any way possible with ugly, hurtful words.

While these are not all the disintegrated selves....these are the ones that have made themselves known to be seen and identified. Each needs to be acknowledged and validated. Each needs to be taken care of, having needs met. Each needs to come together in safe room knowing all are equally valuable and important because each has helped the child survive traumatic abuse. Each needs to come to terms with being willing to be a part of a whole and to work as a team. Each needs to be brought up to present time/reality.

Each helped child survive in a special time. Now it is time to help each self. The door is safe...it has a hinge that can open and close at the proper time. It is good that she had a door.

Trauma Therapist are using a wide variety of methods to help clients. Great success has been found in therapies related to EMDR. Brainspotting, a biolateral therapy, is fluid in that it is changing and shaping into a fine tuned therapy one patient at a time. A person who suffered terrifying ordeals needs client-led therapy. This can be un-nerving to a therapist that is use to directing therapy, and knowing ahead of time what the next session may cover. Brainspotting, developed by Dr. David Grand, allows the patient to move through each therapy session determined by the need of his/her psyche as they entered the therapist door.